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Post in Beauty Confidential
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RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

welcome back to the junk drawer of random beauty thoughts and musings. it has been nearly a year, so i think it is time for a rew RT thread ! 

 

when i'm doing my makeup in the morning, my dog sometimes throws a fit until i move his food bowl over to where i'm sitting. i'm certainly not the diva in our relationship.

____________________

 

THE QUESTIONS THREAD:  http://community.sephora.com/t5/Products/The-Question-Thread-Because-not-all-questions-need-their-ow...

 

VINTAGE BEAUTY VIDEOS THREAD ! :  http://community.sephora.com/t5/Beauty-Confessions/VINTAGE-BEAUTY-VIDEOS/m-p/1826210#M69382

 

SWATCH REQUEST THREADhttp://community.sephora.com/t5/The-Swatch-Board/THE-SWATCH-REQUEST-THREAD/td-p/2223212

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

Well thats a bunch of bull!

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

indeed. @Samtian the weather is hot, it might be windy but not blow your mic over windy. sigh. i'm so incredibly disappointed but oh well, nothing we can do about it.

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

That's too bad, @Blackwhiskey!  I have not heard of him, so was looking him up on the Internet.  That tweet was the first thing to pop up.

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

I ENVY YOU !!!!!!!!!

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

Eell. I guess his crew just tweeted that the show is cancelled so no need to envy. @jemly

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

😞 I'm so sorry your show got cancelled. I was never a huge Peter Murphy fan myself but when I was a young pup in summer theater my crush wore a Peter Murphy t-shirt constantly so I went and bought a bunch of Peter Murphy and Bauhaus tapes (haha yes, TAPES!). It didn't make him become my boyfriend (though we are Facebook friends even now over 20 years later) but I do think every young alternative kid's library should include a little Bauhaus, so I'm grateful. 

 

I hope your show gets rescheduled soon!!!

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

My heart is BROKEN for you @Blackwhiskey 😞

 

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

It's basically the only great thing that was going to happen to me for days to come, not looking forward to next week. This would not have only meant meeting the great Peter Murphy, but the energy I would've received from that show would've helped me survive the next two weeks. What a pity, nothing happened, no rain, no harsh winds. I guess they just didn't want an open venue due to vocal reasons? Or maybe it would've been too hot? Who knows. 

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

Hahaha. Im still debating what to do. I usually teasr my hair when going out but idk. Im gonna do a light wash of brown with plum in the eyes eith eyelinereyeliner and a nude lip.i hope i can yake a good shot. 

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

Ok, I'm going to touch on a sensitive subject.  How do I address my daughter's looks?  She 15 and pretty, not gorgeous.  My parents were not good on this topic and when I asked about my looks was told "looks don't matter" which to me meant that I was ugly.

So, anyone have any thoughts on how to address the sensitive subjects of pretty or not, weight, value of appearance, brains versus beauty for girls, attitudes toward makeup and clothes when dealing with a teenage daughter?

I want her to be confident but also not think that she, as a girl, is just valued on how she looks (and I live in a city where looks probably matter more than anyplace).  But I also don't want her to think that I try not to focus on her looks because she doesn't have them.

 

The related Beyonce video addressing how girls get fixated on looks, sometimes to their detriment.  How to address?

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

I'm convinced that everyone goes through a difficult and awkward phase - mine involved braces and a perm - those were some awkward and difficult years.

 

The thing is, the outside package isn't all there is to being attractive to other people. First, attractiveness is subjective; what one person likes isn't going to be the same as what the 10 people around them like. Second - have you ever met someone whose physical appearance was only 'meh' at first but the longer you spoke with them and got to know them, the more attractive you found them? I know I have.

 

Weight can be a very touchy subject between mother and daughter. My mom has been on a reduced calorie intake for as long as I can remember, probably because her own mother was always making comments about her perfectly normal healthy size/weight and that of my aunt (my mom's twin). I'm not a size 3 and nearing the exit for the 30's on life's highway - even though I'm ok with my weight it still hurt a lot when she made a comment about if I could "just lose 5 lbs" I'd be 'perfect'. Like perfect is ever possible for a human being. So I told her what that kind of comment was like for me - and once it sank in she apologized (the look of horror on her face didn't make me feel any better though). The issue of weight, healthy eating, regular exercise...I often wonder what would have been different for me if my mom's family legacy of criticism from her parents hadn't been that way...And how she'd be different. But we don't get to choose our parents, they are humans and make mistakes just like the rest of us.

 

Love, accept, create an environment that encourages being open and honest without fear of judgement no matter what she's talking about. 

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

@GennX Thanks for that...what is attractive to one ...isn't to another.

As a parent it's hard not to carry the legacy of your (my) childhood forward.  That's why I'm asking!  So I can do better.  You gave me some important thoughts!

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

@meganlisa

 

One way to look at it is that every viewpoint and each opinion we have is playing out like a movie that our children are watching. Kids might not seem like they're paying attention, but they are - consciously or otherwise. They also watch the other adults in their lives, but the only one you have the ability to change is you; your role as mom is an important one, just be prepared for teen daughter to act like she doesn't need you or want anything to do with you - that happens, it's 100% normal. It took my mom and dad moving across the country for my relationship with mom to be more of a positive experience. Mostly because she was struggling to let me go be an adult - I was in my mid-twenties - and the distance forced it to happen.

 

My mom has never really been into makeup and her only experience with hair dye was covering the grey. She actually looks to me for makeup and skincare advice. But she is a great example in what a healthy relationship/marriage looks like; she and my dad have been married 48 years, still very much in love. Even though some of my mom's legacy as a parent has some parts that are not great, there are awesome things too - that's how humans are. A mixed bag of great and not so great, with the ability to make the effort to do better and succeed.

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

@GennX that's really sweet.  And it's nice that your parents modeled a healthy relationship for you.  Not everyone gets that.

My daughter is into very minimal, natural makeup (rebelling against me...sort of funny...).  She needs to establish who she is, outside of me.  Touching.

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

@meganlisa

We all go through that part of life where we establish our adult self - transitioning from the teenage self with all the drama and tendency to see everything in terms of how it affects/what it means for us as an individual.

 

Parents, for their part, struggle with how and when to let go. At some point a parent will have done all they can and taught their child everything they consider important for their child to know - you prepare them the best you can so they will be able to function as an independent adult. Your daughter will never not be your baby girl, your child....she'll just be your adult child, your adult baby girl - it's different, but knowing that you've done your best as a parent means you can step back and look on with pride at all your baby girl is accomplishing and how far she will have come once shes an adult.

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

@GennX I mostly step back and am not a helicopter parent.  But I must admit, on the tough stuff (boys, drugs, alcohol) I'm pretty strict.  Will I loosen up?  Probably not, but she will leave so...that will decide that.  It's tough.  My daughter is so together and motivated.  But at times it's hard not to still be a mom.  Appreciate the input! 

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

@meganlisa

 

Boys, drugs, and alcohol are areas some adults should have more guidance and rules to keep them from getting into situations that have the ability to change their life for the worse. I don't blame you for being strict on those matters. It's a fine line to walk - on one side a parent should show their child they trust them to make good decisions, and on the other is the inherent challenge of kids being low on capability for making good decisions.

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

@GennX Agreed!  I'm trying to give  a little rope..but less so in certain areas.  I watch my kids and they're smart, but still naive.  

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

@meganlisa when there is a critical issue like the tuff stuff you mentioned above, I would go with my mother instinct and gut. No matter how grown up, they are still our kids and we are entitled to try to protect them. After that if things still turn west (or south whatever it is) well that is life. Atleast I'll know I did everything in my control to help them.

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

@fatimamummy Agreed.  I believe that kids need boundaries and guidance.  They also need space to grow and be themselves, but in certain areas the timing might be a little more controlled.  We love them; but their still "kids".  My dad still comes down hard on me about certain things.  And annoyingly, sometimes he's right!

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

@etscore1 said something that brought me back to all sorts of education courses and how to manage classes & relate to students and I've hopefully managed to drag all the wayward threads into something coherent.

 

Ultimately, it's not about creating a rationality/thought process/psyche in a child that will avoid any/all insecurity or drama. It's not realistic. Adults' goals with children in any capacity should be helping them develop the tools to navigate the things they come across in life. (That isn't to say that we should say "here learn to do this yourself" - even as an adult, I can say that I lean on my network, of which my mother is a huge part of, for help and support - but simply that they should process things in their own time and in their own way.) Essentially, we can help them create a tool-kit of how to cope with the things they come across in life in ways that best work for them.

 

 

Spoiler

That toolbox will include "rational," "emotional," and "a mix of both" components, thought processes, and behaviors. 


Obviously the first point here that I think everyone hopes the big takeaway is "you are more than what you look like." You are your choices, your behavior. She can have a number of talents or skills that make her a beautiful person. It has nothing to do with the physical. Ultimately, parents can continue to help shore up this understanding by complimenting/praising children when they show skills or show improvement in things they might not be the most skilled at - it's their character that matters. 

 

Unfortunately, the ideal world (it doesn't matter what you look like) is just that: an ideal. It does matter what you look like. Sad truth. So to that point, I think it's worth addressing "what's attractive in (our area) might not be the standard for the US." Think of the New York/LA comparison. Totally different standards. And you can expand that to a person-to-person basis. Tall women might not be everyone's jam. But there are enough people out there that go gaga over tall ladies. To each their own. It's very empowering to realize that.

 

At that point, it's just helping her develop the things in her tool-box. One of the best ways to do that, is show your own vulnerability. It's shocking how quickly kids learn - but I think "we" (adults in positions of authority - teachers, parents, etc) can get stuck in "we must be right, we can't make mistakes, I must be a good role model" that we forget the power in being able to say "You know, I'm struggling with this."

 

Communicating your personal struggles and showcasing the processes you're using to help overcome them (it can be something like trying a new thing, or an insecurity, or having made a mistake) is a really learning experience. If you can make this work in context to your concerns, it's really powerful. You're making yourself vulnerable, and you're inviting your children to share the experience with them - it's freeing because then they realize they don't have to be perfect, they can make mistakes and be vulnerable, but it's also not the end of the world.

 

Ultimately, this is tough: from your posts it's clear that you want your daughter to have self esteem based on her entire being - it's more than just what she looks like. But you're also realistic about the impact that comes with appearances. Finding the balance, expressing awareness of "I understand the reality, but this is what we should all strive for" is challenging, especially when you're trying to do it without lecturing, or talking at her. You have experience and a broader world view, but she probably has feelings and thoughts on everything and creating floor-space where all of those components can be shared freely and without judgement is a challenge. 

One of the things that I might suggest, if you don't already, is have a scheduled event for just the two of you. It can be a dinner or a lunch. Maybe a class at the gym if you both like it (or a class somewhere else if you both have another hobby). Something or somewhere you can both enjoy together, and make it a routine. Invariably this seems to go a long way towards creating one-on-one time that ends up being a "safe space" for conversation, thoughts, and feelings.

 

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