Who am I trying to kid?

[Andy1087]

I was thinking at work yesterday about going to Sephora and getting a makeover and a lesson and buying al the recommended products and going home and recreating the look by myself and have it look perfect for the 1st time. Thinking that gave me an image of me looking great in my mind which made me feel very happy. Then reality kicked in and I realized this will never happen and I will continue to fall like I always do. I wish just once I would succeed instead of having a constant life of failure

[heartsmyface]

@Andy1087  You’re seldom going to be amazing at something the first time you do it.  It takes practice!  Constant practice!  A good way to do a Sephora makeover is to have the MUA do half your face and then to copy their technique yourself on the other side right then and there.  You get a better feel for what you need to do later on your own.  
Don’t be so hard on yourself.  you WILL get better with practice.  Practice applying makeup each night before you wash your face.  It gives you freedom to experiment.  You can use one technique on on side and another on the other side with no pressure to have it turn out cause you’re going to wash your face right after anyway:).  

The real failure is giving up before giving yourself a chance to get better.  Be gentle with yourself.  

[LukeSlaysGlam]

@Andy1087 Stepping into something new, especially something as personal and expressive as makeup, can feel terrifying when we’re worried about how others might react. But trust me, you don’t need to go all in at once. You don’t need to be “perfect” the first time. Nobody ever is no matter how stunning the picture-perfect influencers look online. Here’s a soft little truth for you: Makeup is play. It’s a small act of self-love and self-expression, not a test you can “fail.” You’re allowed to take baby steps. Start with a tinted balm, a little concealer, or brow gel if that feels easier. Practice alone at home, where it’s safe.You’ll get better every time. Success is trying. It’s showing up for yourself, even if it’s just swiping on mascara and saying, “Yeah, I did that." You’re not a failure. You’re a work in progress, and that’s a beautiful place to be.

[WinglessOne]

@Andy1087   Have you seen a therapist? 

I’m not being snarky about that at all. Heck, I have an anxiety disorder and a psychologist helps me deal with it. One of the worst parts of my anxiety is extreme self-deprecation: I sometimes fall into “I’m a terrible person who ruins everything” spirals that can shut me down to the point where I won’t even get out of bed (or off the floor, if one of those anxiety attacks hits me while I’m in the middle of doing something). Thanks to my therapist, I’ve learned ways to pull myself out of those spirals, or at least ride ‘em out quickly so they don’t continue for days. So from personal experience and genuinely for your sake: if you don’t already have a therapist helping you work through your feelings/self-perception of constant failure, please consider finding one. It’s a big step toward loving yourself. 

About makeup: take it in small bites. It’s easier to pick just one part of your face to focus on at a time and practice there. Lips are a good starting point. Instead of starting with a lipstick, just get a lip liner and practice outlining your lips. This will help you learn the natural shape of your lips. Once you’ve got that down, play with over/under-lining your lips to make some (or all) parts look larger or smaller. You can also fill in your lips with a liner. When you’re comfy with all that, try lining your lips and then filling them in with a lipstick. Keep practicing and you’ll eventually be able to apply lipstick without a liner. 

[Andy1087]

I did see a therapist online for the 1st nine months of this year and she decided to go in a different direction and basically abandoned me. So now I basically feel that no therapist cares about me. I really was unhappy last night because I was feeling so unhappy due that and makeup failures. Also I never told her about being a guy interested in wearing makeup as I figured she would not approved and passed judgement on me 

[heartsmyface]

@Andy1087  Just because a therapist didn’t have the tools to help you doesn’t mean that no therapist does.  Therapy is there to guide you along and help you challenge your own thoughts.  If someone has guided you as far as they feel they can go, it’s time to find another guide.  
Also, remember that you cannot ever know the inner thoughts or feelings of someone else so it’s faulty to assume someone doesn’t care about you or how you’re doing. Your previous therapist may not have had the skills or resources to help you and that’s got nothing to do with how much they care, nor does it say anything about you.  

[WinglessOne]

@Andy1087  I’m sorry your old therapist flaked out on you. Find a new one, and remember they’re not all the same: there are good and bad therapists, just like there are good and bad MDs. There’s bound to be a better one out there for you. I know it’s kinda sucky but, sometimes we do have to shop around a bit for therapists (and med docs, and dentists, etc.) before finding the right fit. Hopefully you’ll find a new therapist soon who really listens to you and can help you. 

Whether you tell a therapist you’re interested in makeup is, of course, entirely up to you. If a therapist passes judgement on you for that, then that’s a sign that you should find a new one. I mean sure, a therapist can think whatever they want about you, just like anyone else can—but It’s not their job to tell you they’ve passed judgement. And if their judgement is negative, they really should keep it to themselves. 

[SportyGirly125]

@Andy1087 With makeup I learned that practice makes perfect. If you mess up at the end of the day it’s just makeup. 

I know you will get there.  I have faith in you. Don’t give up. 

[Andy1087]

You have more faith in me than I do. I feel like I will never get there 

[SportyGirly125]

@Andy1087 Don't be so hard on yourself.

[Andy1087]

I expect perfection the 1st I try and when it does not happen I see it as a failure 

[SportyGirly125]

@Andy1087 We have to allow ourselves to set realistic goals and pivot when needed. 

The last year I thought I was going to be a Pilates Instructor and work at the studio I trained at. Although I am now certified things didn’t pan out the way I planned and I pivoted and now work at Sephora. The moral of my story is even though you feel like quitting or a failure don’t allow yourself to give up. I’m not giving up on my Pilates teaching journey but I did put it on hold to pursue another passion which is helping clients feel the best versions of themselves. 

[danielledanielle]

You really gotta adjust your expectations @Andy1087 .  I feel like I know your response to this, but I did have some thoughts I considered pm'ing you but I rather put it here - in the spoiler tag, but the gist is:

You have to fake it until you make it.  Don't wait for perfection or permission.

Spoiler

A dance instructor told me, don't dance like me, I've been dancing for ten years.  When you've been dancing for ten years, I'll have been dancing for twenty." This was her way of telling us to loosen up, because it's not that serious, and also that you're learning all the time, there's really no single way of achieving something in the arts.  But, when you step back and look at your progress instead of focusing on someone else's singleton moments you learn and grow.

Practice.  "Play" with makeup (and with learning anything) is super important.  The beauty is you kind wipe it off anytime, I know @SportyGirly125 would agree.

Four.  We're here to cheer you on, but if that's not enough, seek other means of bolstering yourself up because you owe it to yourself to be kind.

I'm going through trials and tribulations with my hair at the moment.  It's dry and my stylist is injured (he's going through some T&T, too 😭😭).  I have few qualms about walking out my home with a completely frizzed out afro, but that doesn't mean I love it.  I just don't give anyone permission to make me feel a way about it.  I'm not here for anyone's consumption or beauty standards, aside from my own.  Heck, I am a standard.
 
This doesn't mean I also start out with that thought.  In fact my wash days take on a certain tone.  I procrastinate a lot because the task is usually arduous and not wholly satisfying.  But, each time I've done it, I've learned something.  I made a whole post about it (which I should update, guess I'm procrastinating there, too). Point is, I don't wait for perfection, because this is a moment in time...I give myself permission to be a work in progress and a work of art.  (I might be misquoting, but I think Janet Jackson said this.) Both of those things can be equally true.

[Andy1087]

So what would my response to this be? I am not sure I understand what you’re trying to say

[danielledanielle]

@Andy1087  This sounds blunt, but go back and reread it.  In fact reread everyone's replies.  This is a cognitive practice, in that if you're feeling down, usually coming back and re-evaluating something makes you realize that your previous thoughts/cognitions weren't as true as you thought.  If you still feel like those thoughts were true, then that's what I meant by going outside of BIC for support.  We're here regardless, but wellness sometimes needs to be worked on.  Just as @WinglessOne stated, it's really hard to sometimes find a therapist, especially after a negative experience. In a way, it's good that person revealed their bias, so you're not continuing with them, but even just finding a friend or confidant can help until you find a provider that's a better fit.

[Andy1087]

I am unsure of how to reply if at all for fear of upsetting people here. I feel I have upset people here and am sorry

[danielledanielle]

@Andy1087, .  @makeitup305 very succinctly and kindly summarized my points to you, and also in other replies after...I hope it's evident that you have support, but you owe it to yourself to be kind and seek all means beyond that support to feel beautiful inside and out.

[makeitup305]

@Andy1087 nobody is upset, promise. BIC is a super supportive online beauty space. However, seeing as it is online, partially anonymous, and mostly dedicated to makeup, there is only so much support we can offer. We can offer makeup tips and present our skincare routine, but if you don't feel good on the inside, nothing we say will make you feel beautiful on the outside. That's why others recommended a therapist as well as presented their own experiences with not feeling as beautiful or "good" as they wanted and how they overcome those obstacles as they present themselves. Everyone has their own insecurities and some people are better at disguising it than others. That's what @danielledanielle meant when she said "fake it til you make it". But if that isn't cutting it for you, professional help to address those issues might be the way to go.