@thomasinaC I'm so sorry for your loss and that you're going through this โค
Warning - this is LONG!
I'm 41, have always had baby fine hair that doesn't hold a style or maintain volume for more than 10 min and, if I don't want to wear my hair in a ponytail that gets progressively dirtier throughout Day 2, I need to wash daily.
Last year, when I turned 40, I noticed an inordinate amount of hair loss in the shower, not the usual small bunches of strands but, multiple clumps. My scalp isn't visible but at the rate I'm going, that day may come soon. At the same time, I also noticed that my scalp was becoming extra greasy and I started to large flakes, a new experience for me. I tried dandruff shampoos at all prices, salt scalp scrubs, rubber manual scalp scrubbers, anti-itch scalp serums and countless detox treatments and nothing worked.
I finally figured out what the issue was and it sounds a lot like what you've experienced-- I live in NYC and have been working from home since March of last year, right after I turned 40; I'm a Talent Acquisition Director for a financial services firm, a highly visible role, but working remotely allowed me to be lazy so I washed my hair maybe 2x a week, used an embarrassing amount of dry shampoo and my hair was in a ponytail for almost a year straight. I also went from getting my hair cut every 8 weeks to 2x in a year (Covid is only partially to blame). I basically went from taking care of my hair daily to ignoring it for close to 18 months, then overloading it with drying and stripping products that just made my scalp produce more and more oil and flakes.
What finally helped was getting back into my former routine, even though I'm still working from home, and switch from harsh treatments to hydrating ones. I wash at least every other day, usually with Paul Mitchell Awaphuwi shampoo but the Olaplex shampoo is good once a week and if I need a clarifying shampoo, I'll use the clear one from Neutrogena or Head and Shoulders with Argan Oil once a week. I apply conditioner after every wash, any moisturizing formula will do and I apply a hair mask once a week, I like Voir's Rhythm of the Rain but the drugstore has good options too. If I need to style my hair, I'll use the Sebastian Preset conditioner because it gives my hair texture. I make sure to brush my hair thoroughly twice a day and get regular haircuts.
Stress, utterly neglecting my hair and excessive treatments led to my problems and I wouldn't be at all surprised if yours are a result of a lack of self care due to the grief and stress of your father's passing, plus the subsequent anxiety about your appearance. If you devote the next 3-4 weeks to a scaled back, gentle, moisturizing and pampering routine, I think you'll see a reduction in hair loss and oil production. I definitely suggest seeing a stylist, they know how to cut and style to minimize thinning hair; maybe look for someone that has experience working with clients that have female pattern baldness or medically induced hair loss but don't be embarrassed.
In the meantime, I like the IGK Beach Day texturizing spray, no sea salt, and the Sebastian Preset conditioner as both give my hair enough grit without feeling sticky or dirty, I just don't use them together. It's possible that your hair gets healthy but doesn't grow back and a stylist can help you make the most of what you have. In regards to hair regrowth options, only a few have been proven somewhat effective, Rogaine is one and Nioxin is another but it seems to be better at providing fullness than regrowth. What has been proven not to work is castor oil and the only studies showing collagen supplements to be effective are done by supplement companies themselves; clinical trials have not shown evidence that it helps with hair loss. There are many studies on hair loss but outside of hair transplants, scientists haven't been able to get solid results from anything yet.
As I stated at the beginning, this was a massively long response and I don't blame you if you checked out after the 2nd paragraph but, if you did get this far, please know that you're beautiful with and without hair and that while thus problem is stressful, actually reducing stress itself is half the battle. Do not hesitate to message me directly with questions. Best of luck!! โคโค