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There's this guy...

There's this guy in my dorm that I've become friends with. I'm not too sure but I think he has a crush on me. Let's call him A. A has been doing things lately that you would see a boyfriend do to his girlfriend that has been making me a bit uneasy. For example, putting his arms around me, playing with my hair, trying to hold my hand, etc. I told A it was making me uncomfortable and he backed off for a few days but is back to where it was before. I've never been in a relationship! I don't want to hurt his feelings and tell him that I have no other feelings than just being friends. I hate hurting people. What should I do?


Re: There's this guy...

I agree with all the other beauties. Don't get involved with him because you feel obligated to. This summer I started texting a guy. I loved texting him and thought of him as a great friend. Then one day we went out on a date. During the few weeks we were together, we were on completely different pages. I wanted to slow things down, but he told me things like I would make a great wife and he wants to have someone waiting for him when he gets back from the military. I'm sixteen, I don't want a relationship that serious. So I broke up with him, and now he won't even make eye contact with me, while I want to go back to being friends Smiley Sad So yeah, I don't think dating a friend is a good idea

Re: There's this guy...

It seems you may need boundaries regarding this friendship (ie: "No")and if he cannot respect the boundaries, then it may be in your best interest not to remain friends. He really should not be touching you physically unless he is invited to do so. Sadly, often guys think because a female is being nice that she is interested.

The word "No" or "Stop it" is not being hurtful to him, it is being true to yourself.

Re: There's this guy...

When you say no, and mean no and the other person continues, you should think immediately — not “how do I make it nice, how do I make it better” — but immediately think why is this person trying to control me because “no” is a complete sentence. Don't ever feel like you have to apologize for saying no or feel like it needs a qualifier.  


Unless you are blunt, this type of "Nice Guy" hears "I like you as a friend" as "I like you but I need convincing." Like the other lovely BT's here advised you, be firm about the boundaries that your are comfortable with.  If he keeps pushing it, be prepared to phase him out of your life.  At university there are so many opportunities to meet new people that you shouldn't feel obligated to keep the friendship with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable just because they are nice to you.  He is not respecting your feelings to back off so don't make his feelings a priority over your personal comfort.  

Re: There's this guy...

This is excellent advice, and I agree 100%  No means NO and it is the only thing he should need to respect your feelings.


If he does not respect that, he is NOT nice. 


Do not feel bad.  Do not feel obligated.  You are your own person, and you don't owe anyone anything. 


Re: There's this guy...

This advice is absolutely perfect.

Re: There's this guy...

I hate to be blunt here but......guys are after one thing!  You'll have to swim through a lot of sharks to find the real catch.  I'm afraid if his intentions were true he would have respected your personal boundaries the first time. He is definitely playing on your emotions because you are a nice person but you're also a challenge.  


I suggest, as others, that another serious "no" is in order. The next time he touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, tell him right then and there, no matter who is around.  If he is interested in you as a friend, he would respect your feelings.  If not, why worry about his?  I'm afraid that when he gets the message he will move on to other fish to fry.  It's a hard lesson in life to learn, but your personal respect should be valued above all else.


BTW, there are good guys out there  - I found one.  Guys need time to mature, but you'll find that some never grow up! 

Re: There's this guy...

oh man, so sorry to hear this - it really sucks that someone can make you feel so uncomfortable. there are many ways to handle this, depending on the guy and the situation. i would try to tell him once again that you are not interested and, more specifically, that you would like him to stop doing x, y, and z. but if that doesn't work, surround yourself with men and women who can stick up for you as well. i remember a guy in college who i just could not shake. it took another guy putting his arm around me and pulling me away from guy #1. sometimes that gets through to guys more clearly. often your girlfriends can help confront this guy and keep him in his place. please do not worry about A's feelings. worry about yourself - college is awesome and you should be having the time of your life.

Re: There's this guy...

Wow, that must have been a scary situation. It's pathetic that sometimes the only thing that will get through to men like that is "I have a boyfriend" or doing what you did. That's basically saying "I respect another man's claim on you more than all your rejections and refusals of unwanted advances."  Glad you had a good friend around to help you.  

Re: There's this guy...

If you know how you feel and how you want things, set things straight and stand firm.


If you only see him as being a friend and are not interested in a relationship or even dating this guy, do not be afraid or quiet about reinforcing the fact that his approaches are not welcomed and are not wanted.


Don't think that by not saying anything and just letting him carry on that you're sparing his feelings, that mindset will allow him to only continue and put you in the awkward situation of feeling uncomfortable. If you're not reciprocating his feelings or actions because you're just flat out not interested in any romantic sense with him, not speaking up will only allow him to think it's okay and for him to continue.



Re: There's this guy...

If he's really a good guy, then he'll understand if you're not interested in him in any romantic way and back off. If he takes it personally and gets angry, then he's not a good guy and that's not the kind of person you want as a friend anyway. I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, but you shouldn't have to put up with behavior that you don't feel comfortable with.


Just remember, you don't want a guy in your life who doesn't know how to take NO for an answer and respect your boundaries.

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