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Mother In Laws

I have been dating my boyfriend since I was 18 five years later and realizing that she will most likely be part of my life FOOOOREVVVVVVER I was wondering how many of you A) love your MIL or B) can't stand her and why.

 

My mom passed away over 10 years ago and always thought that a boyfriends mom would be someone I could have girly fun with (it was just my dad and me) BUT it never happened and this current MIL if her son wasn't so amazing I would probably not even bother with it. (he wasn't raised by her for a lot of his life) She is just so selfish and feels such entitlement and that not only does her son owe her whatever she wants jewelry money and what not BUT that I owe her she comes over to my house and helps herself to food, wine and helps herself to things like toilet paper, paper towel, my makeup and jewelry. My boyfriend is starting to get better about confronting her about her crappy attitude but she crocodile tears and her "since i'm not welcome i'm never coming back" guilt trips make us both feel terrible (I know that times with parents are fleeting and don't want to deny my boyfriend from that time even though it is her hatefulness that is poisoning the relationship! 

 

I'm sorry to ramble on but I just can't respect a woman that chooses her husbands over her child (since he was 7) 

 

Anyone have any thought of how i can make it better or at least more tolerable??

Re: Mother In Laws

my last mother in law was a nightmare. i was with her son for 7 years and we had a daughter together. the night that we told his parents i was pregnant, she pulled him aside and told him "that's not your baby", and continued to tell him this every time we saw her! his family are all alcoholics and i don't drink, so they looked down on me and treated me like garbage because it's "weird" to not drink. they even supplied alcohol to his minor brother and his friends! they would party every dang weekend. i hated them. ugh. especially her. they did everything they could to split us up, because i took her oldest son away from her. her baby. didn't even matter to her what it would do to her only grandchild. selfish aholes, all of them.

 

my current in laws aren't bad, but they are so irresponsible. my brother in law owns their house and they're supposed to make the payments to him, but he lives in california and they won't even call him to tell him if they're going to be late with payments so it dings his credit. he pays over half of the mortgage even when they DO make their payments. their car is in his name. their cable is. i think their phones too? i don't know. when we first found out i was pregnant in may of '11, we moved in with his family because we couldn't stand his roommate and she wouldn't move out. we needed the extra bedroom for the kids. as soon as we moved in, they "borrowed" about $700 from us. we've never seen a dime of it. then they wanted to charge us rent! we were already paying for all of the groceries in the house (and not even allowed to get food that WE liked, we got lectured if we brought home something that they didn't "approve of! and god forbid we pick something up just for us and keep it in our room...) rent wouldn't have been an issue, however, they wanted us to pay SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS A MONTH for one bedroom. uh, no way. not happening. i had lost the baby at that point, so we started looking for our own place. the plan had been to stay for about 6 months to a year to save money, but we didn't save a dime. they took it all. the house we are renting now is a two bedroom and we are paying less than they were asking.. we never even left our bedroom because we didn't feel comfortable venturing out into the house. it was ridiculous. they blow off everything, they didn't even come to the kids' birthday party. liam is their only grandchild and they didn't come to his first birthday party? wow. every time we make plans with them to do something as a family, they cancel last minute. i've learned to stop telling carli that she's going to play mini golf with eddie, steve's 9 year old brother. it's just getting her hopes up for nothing, and it's not fair for her.

 

what the heck is it with in laws? i mean, steve is absolutely amazing. it's crazy to see what he came from. 

Re: Mother In Laws

and the only advice i have for you is to hide anything you don't want her taking every time you know shes coming over! i don't think they get better, unfortunately Smiley Sad 

Re: Mother In Laws

I agree, I think that's really the only thing you can do, Hide what you don't want her taking. unless you do what to be more upfront. I don't think you should feel guilty for anything, She's trying to make you miserable, don't let her. You could really try and talk to your BF/husband and try to come up with a solution, but being that it's his mom, he might not want to confront the situation. 

 

I suggest finding a really good hiding spot! Because she's not going to change unfortunately, It would take a miracle. 

Re: Mother In Laws

RIGHT it is something that can't be explained I haven't had any children and I think that maybe my only redeeming quality to her.

Re: Mother In Laws

just wait until you guys DO have kids... you'll be taking her son away from her even more! some moms for some strange reason will resent you for that. it just doesn't make sense to me... if your child is happy, why not let him be happy? why try to split up his family? 

Re: Mother In Laws

That is terrible about your sweet kids that are being impacted by ignorant and irresponsible grandparents who could do that!

Re: Mother In Laws

some people just never really grow up unfortunately. steve's dad is on i think wife number 7? he's had a lot of instability in his life, so it's awesome that he's striving to be everything they are not. i don't put up with my kids being treated like that even a little bit, so they're lucky i like keeping things civil with the in laws haha. 

Re: Mother In Laws

I actually get along really well with my in laws. XD Contrary to the stereotype. They have helped us through a lot of rough times and really made me feel welcome in their family. <3

 

Its too bad that it seems to be the exception and not the rule.

Re: Mother In Laws

that is really awesome! i feel welcome by my in laws, they just are flakes and rely on the kids to support them so they can spend their money on garbage. it's sad, i feel really bad for their oldest son who is fully supporting them, and for their baby brother who is almost 9, who is being raised to believe that this is ok. 

Re: Mother In Laws

ugh and why can't you just trade them in? I really have tried to have a good relationship but I think she enjoys playing the victim and starting fights it's never dull

Re: Mother In Laws

I dream of a good relationship and I KINDA have that with his dad and step mom BUT that might be because they speak little english and I am working on my spanish. but they live out of the country so I can't pick up the phone for a chat or drop by with a cup of coffee Smiley Sad

Re: Mother In Laws

Oh honey, I really feel for you. My MIL  has been bad but this one is a real winner!  My own mother was in league with this woman and she created hell for everyone until the day she died.  Take a little advice from someone old enough to be your MIL- this type of person NEVER, EVER, EVER CHANGES.  NEVER.  There is nothing good enough, generous enough, or attentive enough for her.  You can't apply reason or logic to any of their behavior.  It has nothing to do with if are you a good enough daughter in law or is your boyfriend a good enough son.  NOTHING is good enough for this type of person.  When you bend over backwards to accomodate her she sees this as a sign of weakness and will use to hurt you.  This person is what is known as having a boardline personality disorder.  The only way to get them to behave better is to not give in to the BS.  They want to cry, let them cry.  They want to pout- have a blast.  You have to lay down the law and stick to your guns.  Don't ever let anyone abuse you by taking your jewelry or makeup.  Unless she is in need of financial help she shouldn't be going shopping in your closets.  There are several books available on this type of personality and I suggest you and your boyfriend read at least one of them.  One I will recommend is Surviving a Borderline Parent by Randi Kreger.  There are plenty more titles on this subject on Amazon.  I can't stress enough the need to deal with this person in a very strong way- she is not "normal" and will not respond to reason.  OK, my rant is over.  Good Luck!!   

Re: Mother In Laws

Aww, I'm sorry you're having so many problems with your MIL!  Its a slippery slope and you really have to work with your honey on this one.  As time passes, he will be the one to back you up Smiley Happy  

 

I absolutely LOVE mine, but we've learned each others limits over the years.  I respect her as his mom & she respects me as his partner for life.  I know eventually, we'll all end up together in close proximity, so I do my very best to work with her.  At the end of the day, she knows when she visits, she is in our home and respects that, which is why I always welcome her with open arms.  It sounds like your situation is much different, but I think that is a great point to meet at.  Push back within reason and hope for the best!  

 

xo, Mia

Re: Mother In Laws

Start by changing the locks and locking the windows! - if you have glass near the locks, replace it with Lexan (any glass shop should carry it); she will not be able to break it and it won't shatter at point blank range with a .357 - your boyfriend has to man up and stand up to her, not you, or this is not going to work very well - he deals with his family, you deal with yours works best - do you live together? - if not and she comes in, file a police report

 

my former MIL, emphasis on the former, was Satan's sister and possibly your MIL's evil twin - i have more sympathy for you than you can imagine - the only thing that made the FIL any better was he was usually passed out drunk

 

Garnett is correct, this whack-a-do will never change without serious mental health intervention. Please do not sign on the bottom line until this is resolved. *DANGER*DANGER*

Re: Mother In Laws

Ha Hilarious!

Re: Mother In Laws

Ugh this does NOT sound like a fun situation to be in. I just got married last weekend and I'm lucky to have such an amazing mother in law. She's super sensitive which I sometimes have to be careful about because I can be pretty sarcastic. But overall she's an amazing person. I'm grateful to have her as a MIL and friend and I am SO excited that my future kids will have her as a Gma.

Actually, MY Mom and Dad are the tough ones. My Dad in particular---my own relationship with him is strained so he has barely spoken to my husband. But at least he showed up and was civil at the wedding.

I completely understand you feeling like she hasn't been a great Mom to your boo and so she doesn't deserve to put stress  on you guys. My FIL pretty much ditched my husband  and MIL to cheat and start a new family. He's been a great Dad to his 'new' kids but a real dead beat Dad for my husband. My husband and FIL still argue about it and there are a lot of hurt feelings. He doesn't seem to understand how much he hurt (still hurts) my husband.

The good news is that your man is getting better about confronting her because since it's his mom he really has to take the lead on handling this situation. I think time will help. You can encourage your boo to handle things a certain way but overall I think the best you can do is just continue to support him when dealing with her and try to brush off the frustration she causes. It doesn't sound like she's worth the stress. ALSO--I would lock up ALL of my stuff when she comes over. Clear out your food, makeup, etc and see how she reacts. She might just take the hint!

Re: Mother In Laws

Congrats on getting married!! Smiley Happy

Re: Mother In Laws

Thank you!! Smiley Happy

Re: Mother In Laws

Im with you on that my MIL and I dont even talk. We havent talked since 2009. I always tell my husband that he should make an effort to call since she is still his mother, but he says that if she cant respect and accept me then he wont have her in his life either.I could careless about having her in my life but my kids dont even know her and that is thier grandmother. Some of the things she does are just completly out of line so Im not sure tha we can ever mend things. Hang in there honey....

Re: Mother In Laws

I'm so sorry that you're having issues with your boyfriend's mother.  UGHH!

 

Before I got married, I fully expected the worst based on some of the anecdotes I heard.  However, I have been blessed to have a supportive and loving mother-in-law, who loved me from the moment I was introduced to the family.  She gives great advice and is willing to give an ear.  Best of all, she respects our marriage and doesn't interfere.  She didn't even squawk when I chose to keep my maiden name!

 

Having lost my own mother recently, I have come to appreciate my in-laws even more.  While she knows she will never be able to take the place of my mother, she has been there for me.

 

I am glad that your boyfriend is getting better at confronting her.  However, he needs to stand firm and not allow himself to be manipulated.  When you two get married, he should make it abundantly clear up front that YOU come first--period.  Otherwise, your relationship will be fraught with unnecessary drama as he ping-pongs back and forth trying to please her while trying to keep his marriage intact.

 

Good luck!

 

Re: Mother In Laws

I just wanted to say that it is possible to have a great MIL.  I love mine.  She's actually visiting right now -- she got in last night and she, my husband and I stayed up until after 2am talking.  This is her Christmas present most years -- a plane ticket to come and visit me.  Seeing her son is just incidental.  She would be a friend of mine even if I hadn't married her son, we have so many interests in common. (Actually, I have so few close friends that she probably is one of my best friends.)

 

However, that doesn't help you.  I do agree with the others, your MIL and her relationship to you isn't going to change.  Sometimes not having people be part of your life is the answer. I definitely agree that you should lock up your jewelry, makeup, anything of value that you don't want her to have while she is in your house if you must have her there.  I suggest a lock on a closet where you can put everything and a good enough one that she can't easily pick it.  If she's offended, too bad.  What she is doing is called theft and it's illegal. I'm sure you don't want her arrested, but you really need to make sure your husband understands how upset you are and that he is on your side here. 

 

Personally, I would let her not come back.  She won't ever be the mother that you would like in your life and you will have to find that elsewhere. See her in her space, not yours.

Re: Mother In Laws

When she takes things from your house have you tried making a joke like "One of these days I'l send you a bill for shopping in my house" or "I didn't realize my house was a fee supermarket"? Then when she turns on the water works explain to her that you do want her around, but don't understand why she needs to take your stuff. Let her know that you work hard for what you have & it's difficult for you to support her when she couldn't support your boyfriend in the past. 

Another option... move farther away from her. 

 

All I know is every MIL is crazy LOL! 

MY boyfriend's mom drives me nuts! She's been through a lot & is a really sweat lady, but she's bat **** crazy. Loves conspiracies, has a strong view on how the world should be, likes to be isolated, and hates change. 

It frustrates my boyfriend a lot too, but we've learned to just accept her the way she is. Sure we'll get into arguments, but we also pick & choose what information we disclose with her. 

Re: Mother In Laws

I have fantastic in-laws and have made the 7 hour trip to visit them several times without my hubby.  My mother-in-law promised to be nicer to me than her mother-in-law was to her.  However, it's certainly easier to visit them than for them to come to our place.  She doesn't do anything horrible like yours, but let's just say I'm not a fastidious housekeeper, which she notices and comments on, repeatedly.

 

If I were you, I'd lock your bedroom with your make-up and jewelry in it. Maybe claim it's such a mess you can't bear for her to see it. Or with make-up, tell her you had a horrible eye infection and she shouldn't use it. Be on your last roll of paper towels and toilet paper.  (Actually, that makes me nervous - hide the extra toilet paper in your locked room.  I never want to not have an extra roll of TP!)  Hide the wine too.  There's not anything you can do about refridgerated food, but move your favorite cookies and crackers somewhere else.  I was with my guy for years before I was let in on where his mother kept her stash of chocolate.  Also, conveniently be broke every time she visits.

 

Of course this pretty much only works if you have advance notice.  Please tell me she doesn't have a key.  If she does, ask your landlord to change the locks. 

Re: Mother In Laws

wait, she takes your JEWELRY?  If anyone that was at my house ever took my jewelry I'd be pissed.  Especially since I have a nickel allergy so I can't wear anything but real jewelry and some of said jewelry was my grandmother's, who also had a nickel allergy and passed away in 2010.  Those have sentimental value other than just monetary. 

 

Nice of her to think you owe her.  You owe her nothing and neither does he.  As for the guilt trip?  When I worked in retail I found that most people that told me that were usually back if not a few days then a week later.

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