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Post in Besides Beauty

Makeup Unrelated - How to deal with repetitive bailers

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Re: Makeup Unrelated - How to deal with repetitive bailers

I think you need to talk to her about this, because you will become bitter and one day it can blow up and it's not good. Friends should be respectful of each other. It's ok to bail when you have good reason but if it's constant it shows that she doesn't value your friendships and your time.

 

You can't keep second guessing yourself just talk to her if maybe it something personal or she's dealing with something that makes her a little anti social. 

 

good luck!

Re: Makeup Unrelated - How to deal with repetitive bailers

I have something to confess. I'm a constant bailer. It really comes down to me being a highly anxious person. It wasn't an issue until college. My friends would invite me somewhere, and I was too depressed/anxious to go. Eventually, my friends stopped inviting me places. It was heartbreaking, but that's what they had to do to send me the message. Unfortunately, it just made me more anxious/depressed at first.

Now I'm working in therapy on everything, and I've had a lot of success. I make an extra effort to not bail on my friends Smiley Happy

Maybe you could say something to her? My college friends just assumed I was a flake, and didn't think there were any real issues to be concerned with. Perhaps she'd reveal why she's bailing, and you could be there to support her.

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Re: Makeup Unrelated - How to deal with repetitive bailers

I'm glad you mentioned this because my initial thought was that she could be bailing because of some type of health problem (physical, mental, or emotional). I have ongoing health issues as the result of a genetic connective tissue disorder but I look healthy. I have bailed on people last minute because I was in too much pain, throwing up, just various reasons related to not feeling good. People wouldn't see that as a good reason especially if the plan was sedentary like seeing a movie, but they didn't understand that I didn't want to be a "downer" or that I didn't want to bail. I was only diagnosed a year ago and a lot of people gave up on me because I "never want to do anything" or they thought I am lazy and not sick. My point is, she may be bailing because of depression or illness but isn't saying so because she doesn't know whats wrong.

Re: Makeup Unrelated - How to deal with repetitive bailers

My friends know not to count on my in the winter. I live in the burbs & they're all in the city. I get tired & lazy easily in the winter & don't have motivation to go out. Now that some of my friends are moving out of the city, we can hibernate together. 

My unreliability wasn't as bad as your friend's, but I did get chewed out a few times & didn't get invited to something, that I should have. I now respond with "I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it", or "I have plans, but I'll see if I can stop by after" - not lying... I have plans to lie on the couch with a glass of wine Smiley Wink 

What are her excuses when she bails? Have you tried reminding her about it the day before? Or maybe you can put the event in her calendar on her phone & set a reminder for the day before. 

Re: Makeup Unrelated - How to deal with repetitive bailers

Not that this excuses it, but does she have social anxiety? depression? trouble leaving the house?  

 

Even so, needs to be addressed between you.

 

This would drive me insane!

 

Otherwise, I think you've got some good suggestions from others.

Re: Makeup Unrelated - How to deal with repetitive bailers

Maybe not directly invite her but leave it open ended, like.. "I am doing so and so later, you can come if you like". That way you aren't counting on her to come and if she does then whatever.

Re: Makeup Unrelated - How to deal with repetitive bailers

That's exactly what I was thinking. Don't let it bother you Smiley Happy

Re: Makeup Unrelated - How to deal with repetitive bailers

I don't see the need for confrontation on your part. If she is a grown woman with at least one functioning brain cell, she is probably aware of her behavior and how it affects others.

 

As Maya Angelou famously said: when someone shows you who they are, believe them. How many times does your friend need to show you that she's a flake? That's who she is and you have chosen to love her anyway.

"Having a talk with her" won't amount to anything - trust me. At best, everything you tell her will go in one ear and out the other. At worst, she will resent you for calling her on her behavior. You will probably accomplish nothing besides making her feel like a chastised little kid.

 

Since you cannot change her behavior, you can only change your own.

Keep extending invitations to her by all means - she will either show up or she won't.

Do NOT spend any money on her. If you're going to an event that requires admission, for example, do not pay her way because she might not show up.

 

In my many years on this planet, I've known many people like this and they don't change. As Lilyyy suggested, leave everything open ended so your friend can go along or not as she wishes. And take preventative measures so this friend doesn't end up screwing you over.

Re: Makeup Unrelated - How to deal with repetitive bailers

well said! I've had quite a few of these people in my life as well and I used to let it affect and upset me, but you just have to realize it's them- not you.  I will extend the invite to them (although not as often) and just expect them not to show, and if they DO, then that's a bonus!

Re: Makeup Unrelated - How to deal with repetitive bailers

I have this friend who has social anxiety and has a touch of depression. I understand that when she bails on me, she is having a bad day. I leave her alone but still check in with texts to see how she is doing. I do not get upset at her at all because this is something that is out of her control.

 

However, I have this other friend who bails all the time! I can't stand it. We all live downtown (some on the northside and some on the southside)... she literally lives 5 blocks from me. But she finds any excuse not to do stuff just because she is lazy, isn't feeling well, got into a fight with her man, doesn't want to see a certain friend who she is "upset" with over a stupid thing, etc.

 

We stopped inviting her things. Then she wanted to get together because it was forever since she saw us. (Plus I know seeing Facebook/Instagram/Twitter photos of us having fun didn't help). I know this is a bit petty, but I needed her to feel what it is like to be ditched a few hours before. We had plans to go to dinner... our friend driving from the burbs had a migraine and didn't want to drive all the way into the city for dinner so she canceled. I then waited until 2 hours before our reservation to cancel on her (just to show her how it is like). She was upset and I had a talk with her saying I bailed on you ONCE and look how upset you got. Think about all the times you did it to me and the rest of our group. She understood and is better about bailing... but just last month, she bailed again. Some people can't change and you may have to deal with it.

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