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Post in Besides Beauty

I need some man advice.

Haha, I realize this is a beauty community but I got great advice on my last OT post so I thought I might try here again... 


I'm dating this guy that I met on OkCupid and I find him unbelievably attractive. He's a lawyer (not an insanely rich one, but he does well) and we have a similar sense of humor, etc. He normally doesn't date girls under 23 (He's 28, I'm 21) but since we got on so well online, we agreed to meet in person, a friendly date, just to see what happened...

Ever since then we've been having a REALLY good time. I haven't seriously dated before, as in I've never been in a serious relationship/had a real boyfriend for more than two weeks, so I'm sort of new to this whole thing. I've just never found anyone in my location that i really hit it off with. My romantic life has always been limited to casual dating, most of the guys being in my age range. So this is the first relationship with a guy that I've had that has actually clicked and felt promising (on both ends)!

The problem: He's older. He's more successful compared to moi, a dirt poor college student. He's sarcastic, snarky, and he's a lot more mature than I am. He can be critical, sometimes on the borderline of being mean. Not in an abusive way, but more in an honest, no sugar coating way. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't like...take me seriously, you know? Like he just thinks I'm some dumb kid. I realize it is probably not the truth, since he is choosing to date me and he obviously thinks I'm worth spending time with and pursuing... but maybe it's just me that feels like I'm playing grown up? Sometimes I just detect snark from him and I start feeling like i'm just embarrassingly immature, if that makes sense... maybe it's just my insecurity showing? 


Other problems: He's an anti-love angry marriage hater. (Isn't that the way Katherine Heigl worded it in 27 Dresses?) he claims not to love anyone, isn't interested in being in love and never wants to get married. He says he has been in relationship, his longest lasting three and a half years. The only reason why it stopped working was that she hated the fact that they were in an open-relationship; she just couldn't deal with the fact that he was openly seeing other women and did not want to fully commit to just her.

They lived together as well. I asked him why he chose to live with her and even be semi-exclusive- why be in a relationship with someone if you want to openly see other people and want her to as well? Why not just date and not be in a relationship?

That comment above really makes him sound like a jerk... but honestly he is one of the most honest people that i've ever met. He doesn't lie and he always says what he's thinking, and he is very honest about what he wants. It's just a little...intimidating.


Right now we're having a lot of fun. My problem is that I'm falling for him a little bit. When he texts me, I still get really nervous and i get butterflies in my stomach. We've been talking and doing this whole thing for months and I still get really excited to see him. It's hard because I know the way he feels about love and relationships. I want to keep seeing him, but it's tough not letting myself fall for him. I don't want to fall in line with his old girlfriends who tried to change him, got angry that he wouldn't commit, etc. So in spite of that, I find myself doing everything I can NOT to be like them. I pay for dates as much as I can, I don't nag him, I don't text him every five minutes to ask where he is... I just find myself doing everything I can not to alienate him and repeat behaviors of his past girlfriends. I'm honestly not trying to get him to love me... I just find myself wanting to please him and that is confusing.

This post is all over the place, but basically, I'm not sure if I should continue with him. While we're having fun right now, I'm concerned that I might want more from him in the future, ie: living together, wanting something more exclusive, etc. Presently everything is perfect & we're enjoying the honeymoon period, but I'm just afraid I will get attached to him and then in the end be hurt. But he is a man set in his ways and I don't for a milisecond think that I can change that, nor do I want to...

So should I just continue on or cut him loose? It's finals week here at my university and I'm pretty stressed out. This is not making it any better!

Re: I need some man advice.

Ok straight off the bat, I'm not going to read any of the comments other people posted so my post will be genuinely my own opinion. Note, I can be a little straight forward and harsh.


Right, so let's get started...


You say he's a lawyer, and you claim he "never lies"... rethink that babe. hahah! Lawyers are professional liars. They are hard to read.


From experience, GUARD YOUR HEART, don't fall for guys, men are so dumb to be heartbroken over. I knnow it's extremely hard to keep a guy in your "friend-zone" after you had a date with them, but you have to just get it out of your head. This doesn't mean you can't stop seeing him, you can definitely be friends, or maybe even be fwb's (lol)...


7 years apart isn't that far apart, at least that's how I look at it... you might seem intimidated by the fact that he's older than you, but you have to just accept reality and realize, you will bump into older people, who may be more mature, more well spoken... and that's the beauty in men... they're all unique in their own way... making it so mysterious... but most guys I can honestly say, like's to play that game... they want to be in control of the situation. And you're falling for his trap.


If you know his life intentions already (he doesn't want to get married), and you want to eventually get married, you HAVE TO move on... you can't try to change someone's opinions, maybe down the road he might change his opinions though.


Most importantly, and I said it before, guard your heart honey... it's so fragile, don't let men pollute your heart and mind.

Re: I need some man advice.

This is a really old thread.  Hopefully, she dumped this jerk a year and a half ago!  If she did not, it may be a little late for advice.

Re: I need some man advice.

LOL YES I hope so! Especially after reading her "update" 

Re: I need some man advice.

I hadn't seen this either but man... how ironic that she thought she was the immature one out of the two of them. WOOF.

Re: I need some man advice.

well it sounds to me like you NOT having fun because you say your trying hard not to BOTHER  him, well that sound like me like you are working too hard not to bother him , not to be like his other girlfriend, well just be YOU.   sounds like you want more than he will ever give.  you say you are not trying to get him to love you, but i dont believe that,  you want to please him, but what about you?  sounds to me like you just want to "win"  sorry not trying to be harsh, but just something to think about.  (im also very honest)

Re: I need some man advice.

Drop him and move on.  I have dated and married an older guy.  Either they respect and encourage you or they don't.  Mine does, but I will say he does sometimes give advice that I don't really need and I gently remind him that while, yes, he has been on this earth longer, I wasn't born yesterday and can probably figure it out.  Our relationship works, but from the sound of things this one won't.  Another word of advice from someone who learned the hard way: saying things  "I don't think he like....takes me seriously" you can bet he doesn't.  Sounding like a ditzy teen does not give the impression of an intellegent, well educated and ready-to-take-on-the-world young woman, which is what I am certain you are. If you know he is never going to commit and you think you are falling for him it is time to let go.  Sure it will hurt a little now, but it will save you A LOT of heartache later on.  It is a lesson we all have to learn.  You know the answer and we are all supportive, let the guy go try and and snowball some other girl, you deserve better than him and his gigantic ego.

Re: I need some man advice.



saying things  "I don't think he like....takes me seriously" you can bet he doesn't.  Sounding like a ditzy teen does not give the impression of an intellegent, well educated and ready-to-take-on-the-world young woman......


I dont like this comment because its more judgemental than helpful. Pointing out that the way she talks might be a reason why this relationship wont work wont give that boost of confidence that she needs. If this comment was addressed to me I would be hurt because it implies that the reason he doesnt take me seriously is because I talk like an idiot. Emails, texting and online forums are places where you dont always have to be prim and proper and talk like a big girl.



Re: I need some man advice.

I feel a bit torn here - I know what BK2006 was trying to get across and I definitely see why sephoramusthave and nixi are upset by it, maybe worded differently it would be taken completely differently. I hate to get in the middle, but I don't think anyone meant any harm. 'Talking' via on-line means can make the most innocent things sound different than it was written.


I don't know if any of you are familiar with this theory or practice but they used to say, write a letter but don't mail it for a certain number of days, if it was in regard to something sensitive, Then you can have time to think it over, re-read it, tweak it or 'circular file' it. Obviously, that's not so do-able here,


Either way, I don't think anyone meant any harm. I think sometimes in our passion to save someone else from something so obviously horrible, especially if you've gone through it yourself (although BK2006 was lucky enough to get a better outcome than most. I'm glad for you BK2006 and wish you a long and happy life together, truly.) But I do get why it hurt, I'd have likely felt the same myself if I was on the other end of the post. Lucky for me my posts are sooooo long, that in a way I DO have a little time to think about what I've written and have the chance to go back and edit. While this may end up in complete insanity for me, what's a girl to do?


I've said for Many years that I generally (fairly often) have the ability to see both sides of most things/situations, which is a blessing and a curse. I think this is another example of that. I just hope everything turns out alright for everyone.....well maybe not Everyone...I don't like to wish bad things on anyone, but I think we all know who I'm talking about! Maybe it's good to point out things in a non-confrontational or unkind way. It might make us learn things about ourselves that we didn't know or realize we did. Hang in there ladies! Smiley Happy Smiley Happy

Re: I need some man advice.




saying things  "I don't think he like....takes me seriously" you can bet he doesn't.  Sounding like a ditzy teen does not give the impression of an intellegent, well educated and ready-to-take-on-the-world young woman......


I dont like this comment because its more judgemental than helpful. Pointing out that the way she talks might be a reason why this relationship wont work wont give that boost of confidence that she needs. If this comment was addressed to me I would be hurt because it implies that the reason he doesnt take me seriously is because I talk like an idiot. Emails, texting and online forums are places where you dont always have to be prim and proper and talk like a big girl."

I have a bad habit of writing like I talk sometimes lol. @BK2006 I'm sorry if you felt like I came off as ditzy. No one has ever pointed that out before. I do my best with grammar and spelling but sometimes personality just sneaks into my writing. Ah well...

 @sephoramusthave   Thanks for sticking up for me Smiley Happy 

Re: I need some man advice.

Thanks for all the support guys Smiley Happy I'm still a little sad (and embarrassed over his behavior) but I'm doing alright. I appreciate everyone's wise words and YES, I am so happy to be rid of him. So far he hasn't tried to contact me in anyway. Now all I need to do is start returning Christmas gifts Smiley Wink

Re: I need some man advice.

So, I am putting a stop to seeing him. Combined with all the great advice here, I realize that he is a jerk. However, he did give me an ultimatum last night and it's not one that I liked.

I'm going to be open with you guys because you all have been open and honest with me. I have paranoid schizophrenia and I was diagnosed a few years ago. I started getting the symptoms around the age of 18 and I have had it ever since. With the help of medication, I am able to lead a normal life, drama free. But sometimes it's hard being open with others about because, unfortunately, there are certain stigmas attached to mental illnesses. i don't mind telling you ladies this about me because I know you are all very sweet, tolerant, and understanding. I know you won't think less of me or think that I'm some crazy person when I share this with you. To all whom have read my story & given me advice, I hope this isn't a TMI. It's just an important part of why I'm dumping this jerk.

When I first met this guy, I was open about my illness because I felt like it was something he deserved to know if this had the potential to get serious. He had made a few jokes and was pretty tolerant up until now.

To make a long story short, I asked him, "What are we?" and that set off a string of questions like, "Do you honestly like me?" "Do you see this going anywhere?" None of course he really wanted to answer. He just said he wasn't "sure" of me and that he didn't really know how to proceed.

I asked him what was holding him back. He said, "To be honest. It's the schizophrenia. My ex girlfriend was crazy and she didn't even have a mental illness."
 "I think I would be uncomfortable living with someone who has schizophrenia. What if I came home and you had wrecked my **bleep** or were talking to imaginary people? I just couldn't handle that... You're on five or six medications right?"
 "Do you have to be on them for the rest of your life?" 
He works for the state law office and he then started talking about how "crazy" people file motions all of the time to sue the state over far fetched reasons like aliens or crazy things like that and how he has to deal with the paperwork.

I'm just disgusted. He refers to me as his "schizo love bunny". That should tell you something.

I'm just done with him. I'm just disgusted. The questions were degrading enough. We were talking on the phone during all of this and I eventually just hung up. He texted me and told me that everythig was going to be okay and that he didn't mean anything negative but that for right now, he was only interested in doing what we were doing. I called back and left him a voicemail, a one sided come to jesus talk. I was so pissed. I'm getting angry tinking about it.

So thank you to all of you who said what you said Smiley Happy You were all right I DID NEED TO GET RID OF HIM. And I have. And if he really does think that way about me then he certainly doesn't need to be sleeping with me if I'm oh so "crazy".  

He'll never touch me again. That's for sure.

Re: I need some man advice.

Oh... after reading this, you definitely have to move on! lol...

Re: I need some man advice.



What a motherflipping jerk!!!!


For him to turn your mental illness into a joke and excuse for his cowardice is beyond words! That speaks volumes about his withered and decrepid character! His ignorance has shown itself fully, and I must commend you for being strong and brave and standing up to him and confronting him about this and not backing down. You made him face questions and thoughts I can safely say he had no intention of ever answering to and you made him step into the light. You pulled him into the light with your strength and this time, it wasn't something that he could control or do on his own terms. Good for you, girl!


The fact that he makes fun of your illness and even gets delusional enough to think that at any second you may fly off the handle and wreck his belongings shows what a sad, lowly creature he is. This man obviously just showed some serious insecurities and kudos for you for bringing those to the surface. You may not think of it as such, but you just made him bring up and surface some demons that maybe he's not wanting to face so he hides them with his careless actions and seeming disinterest in forming any close bonds with people.


My dear friend's exboyfriend had a sister who was mentally handicapped and ill, she was an absolute sweetheart and could never harm a fly. To have this douche think that you're going to go nuts on him and that's what is keeping him scared.....PUH-LEEZE!!!! I'll tell you what, if you turning face is what he's worried about, then he's got a whole other thing coming to him. No one needs to hide behind an illness to go off the wall, "sane" people do it all the time, so you should be the least of his worries. You may be actually diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, but it sounds like he's the paranoid one!


Good riddance!!!!! I'm proud of you and happy for you in being strong enough to face him and put him on the spot. That speaks so much about you!

Re: I need some man advice.

Thanks and I agree. To be honet, I'm not surprised with the comments. Him reacting that way told me everything I needed to know. If someone s too embarrassed to be with me or think that I might "flip" on them, then they don't need to have anything to do with me. Like, nothing. 

Right now I'm still a bit shaky and embarrassed but I know i'll be okay. Right now I'm just stressed from exams. Several of you lovely people here told me to wait until after exams to deal with him, but I just couldn't help myself. I just had to talk to him about it. And while I wish I would have waited I'm glad I did... I don't want to be with someone who thinks that way about me. He said something else really insensitive that I'm not going to repeat her, but he basically made it sound like I should be grateful for him being with me. Looooooool. Yeah right.

Anyway, right now I'm just browsing the site. I think I'm going to buy myself a treat or a new palette of some sort. Girl I deserve it lol.

Re: I need some man advice.

WOW. That was amazing. I find it very very sad that a "successful" lawyer can't even distinguish between a mental illness and bad personality, oh well. It's hard to get your priorities (exams) straight when so much emotion is involved. Your preference for doing it is a personal decision, but whatever you do and whatever decision you make, make sure you are doing it for you, not to please some guy, especially some guy that brushes off problems and issues important to you. It takes a lot of courage to be open about these things, but trust me, everyone have baggages. It may seem dark, scary, traumatic, depressing, but we get over it (and it builds characters). Cut him off, hang out with girls for a while, rediscover yourself, indulge in ice cream (I especially recommend Talenti Gelato, available in most not-walmart grocery stores like Big Y and Stop&Shop). Look on the bright side, years from now, it'll just be a good story and you will feel good, knowing you end it on your terms.


On a semi-tangent, your situation kind of reminds me of the first couple episodes of Sex&City I saw, the part where Carrie first met Mr. Big, who doesn't want to be in a serious relationship with her, and after some debates about pros/cons/her feelings, she broke it off with him. On a complete tangent, gawd I hate stress acnes.

Re: I need some man advice.

We've all been involved with a jerk and can remember the exact moment when clarity finally arrived and we decided to DTHMFA. (Dump The Mutha Flippin A@#*#&) Congratulations on achieving clarity!

Re: I need some man advice.

love it! "DTHMFA" haha too perfect.  I remember this moment of clarity all too well. haha just had to comment on how perfectly worded this was

Re: I need some man advice.

Oh, Nixi, I am so sorry that this awful person said such horrid things to you! I take back my advice about waiting until after finals, this had to be had out and now! I am so, so proud of you for standing up for yourself and not letting him excuse his abysmal behavior by blaming you (and your mental challenges). That's just low, and the snake showed his true nature.


I wish I could give you a big personal hug and wish you every happiness, starting this instant. I got teary reading your latest posts, I know my words can't take away your pain, but know that I am sending positive vibes out to you.


You definitely deserve a palette (or 2)!

Re: I need some man advice.

Aw, guys. I'm sorry I haven't responded! I have had exams going on so I'm afraid my head has been elsewhere lately. I just haven't had a chance to sit down, read responses, and do some reflection on my situation. I guess over the past week or so I've been trying to distance myself from it (and him too!).

I'm just so overwhelmed by all of you! I nearly cried when I read all the posts Smiley Happy No, I'm not offended by ANYTHING said. No one here has said anything offensive and out of line. All of you were very detailed and honest, which is what I appreciate. I hope no one took my lack of response as being offended; I just wanted some time to sit down and read everything.

Seriously, these were all things I needed to hear.

First off, if it seems like I was being defensive of his behavior in my first post, it was truly not intended. When I have a problem and relate a story to someone, I tried to give both sides of the situation so that the people who are giving me advice can properly form an opinion. I guess I just ended up giving him a little too much credit, hah. I wasn't trying to defend his actions as much as I was trying to explain them a bit better. Just didn't want to come off as a man hater, lol.

Are him and I friends? When you mentioned that Lylysa, that was the first time I put it together that way. We do go out, have fun, go the movies, have dinner etc. But it's always just us... never in a group. He never invites me out with his friends and makes me part of a group. I've tried to invite him out with mine but he never seems interested. I guess, like me, he's just in this for the sex and to date someone younger, like someone else here pointed out.

Oh, and to remark on the age difference: He turns 29 next Wednesday (lol gotta love the timing). I know it's only an eight or nine year difference, but I guess it's just a little different than what I'm used to. I've been with a few older guys, but mostly I strike it between 23-26. So it's just a new experience to date someone slightly older.

 I don't know what I want... a lot of you ladies are saying I sound like I want a relationship- and to some extent, I do. I think more than anything I want some type of label of what him and I are doing. Are we FWB? Are we just hooking up? Should we just file it under misc? It's just frustrating because I just want to know if there is a possibility of us having a relationship.... I knoow he's had relationships before, so that's how I know it's possible to happen. Of course, now I'm starting to change my mind.  

Haha, the "why buy the cow" mention really made me laugh a little. That's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Hope this doesn't sound slutty, but I'm just used to one night stands and sex-based relationships. Not even relationships... I just sleep around. That's my MO. I don't think I'm a person with little self-esteem. I mean, it's possible but the only reason I've ever slept around is because I find myself physically & sexually attracted to guys but never emotionally. I was just never interested in dating or being in a relationship with someone.

This guy, Greg, is one of the first guys that I've ever liked on the personality level. That's part of why I was trying so hard to keep him. Someone I get along with AND good sex? My initial reaction: Oh yeah, sign me up! But whatever. I think I just need to widen my search a little bit. I'm starting to get bored with the whole thing and now I sort of do want a boyfriend or someone to lean on emotionally. But you're all right, this guy just ISN'T IT. And it makes me so sad but inside I know that it's true. 

Thanks to all of you who responded Smiley Happy I read every single word and it really meant a lot to me that so many of you really took the time and wrote well thought out responses filled with such god advice. Many of my friends are in relationships and have been in relationships, so it's really hard for most of them to give me a good perspective. I definitely need more single friends lol or at least more people going through the same stuff as me and have been there.

Re: I need some man advice.

We hope you're able to keep your head clear for finals and exams, girl! Smiley Happy I know that, plus the holidays, and this all must weigh on you, so we're here to help and be a shoulder to lean on or ear to listen to you whenever you need!


In regards to the friends thing, and never meeting any of his and his disinterest in ever meeting yours, RED FLAG! I can't even count how many times the guys I know, even my boyfriend, will blatantly say, "Honey, if you haven't met his friends or doesn't mention you to his buddies, you're not his girl, you're just someone he sleeps with!" What kind of "friend" isn't even open to meeting new people you know? He's clearly stating that he's in this for one and one reason only.


Not to make it seem like I'm talking mess about you, but it seems like he's just in this because it's something that came along, conveinent for the time being, he gets some with no strings attached, doesn't have to worry about someone trying to "boyfriend/husband" him, and it's something to pass the time with. I mean honestly, it seems like this behavior he exhibits is something that he would extend to not just you, but the next female that rolled along, and the next, and not to mention to the girls before you. The thing is, you're more than that. You know it, I know it, this forum knows it. You may say you're used to one nighters or just sexual based relationships with people, but you wouldn't be putting yourself out there on a dating site and even questioning what to do if you didn't want more for yourself or see more for yourself. Don't belittle yourself with thinking "Well, this is what always happens, it always just ends up about sex and the physical aspect, so I guess I might as well take what I can get!" No, don't think like that, the more you keep yourself in that frame of mind, the more you let it become your prison and won't let yourself move onward to building healthy relationships with others and yourself. Don't let what was or what is dictate what will be or what you will let happen, don't make it some self-fulfilling prophecy of you being forever stuck in a cycle of forming "just" sexual relationships with people because it happens so often.


I'm not saying you have to go out and get a boyfriend and jump from one relationship to another, it's about being patient and knowing what is best for you at any given time, circumstance, or situation.  Even if something good comes along, if you're unsure or unready, don't jump into it, be true to yourself and listen to everything you have going on in your head and heart.


Gaining experience by dating people of different age ranges, creeds, races, beliefs, and styles are one thing, but why put up with rude, crude, and disrespectful behavior, regards of the experience points it brings. You know when you're disrespected, you know when you get hurt, so why stick around for more? Don't be foolish enough to taste a dish, only to learn it's not to your liking, but taking more and more bites thinking the flavor will change. Don't fall into the trap of thinking "if you stick around long enough and show how different you are, he'll change", it doesn't work like that. If he wanted to change, then he would have done so on his own accord.


I can't tell you what you want exactly, no one can, the reason why it seems like you're wanting a relationship is because you're so troubled by this situation. Even if it's definitely not a relationship that you want and you honestly wanted a FWB thing, this guy is clearly not the type to have that with. He's not your friend, you can't call him up and cry to him, gossip with him, kick back and talk about life with him, go out casually with him, not sleep with him, watch a chick flick with him, game with him, whatever. He's a single-minded, selfish individual that has it out for only himself. He's only thinking about his own good and how he can benefit from this. I know it sounds cold, but I'm telling you that's how he is.


And I'm sorry, but you may think you got someone who you get along with and can have great sex with, but honey, I don't think he gets along with you. If he says insensitive and hurtful things to you, and you pick up on that, you don't get along. If you had a chick friend who kept saying things that irked you or rubbed you the wrong way, how long would you keep her around? Take the sex aspect out of it, and though I'm sure you and him share moments where things are cool, there's also enough times shared where things are not cool for you to be bothered. Wash your hands clean of this so you can move on, not necessarily to another guy or starting another relationship, but just move on from dealing with the bullcrap! I mean, unless you like putting up with insensitive jerks because you genuinely like to, get rid of this lowlife. Just look on the internet, there's no shortage of trolls and wise jacktards who have no filter and don't hold back, you don't need to cling onto this one! Sex can be found elsewhere, and again, wouldn't it be even better if you could have great sex with someone who shares in the same feelings you do and are on the same page as you?


Plus, him having a past relationship doesn't mean the guy is willing to jump back into one with you or anyone else. Keep in mind, it was an "open" relationship he carried on for years. Are you willing to dedicate all of yourself to, only to have them sleep with other people and spend time with other people? If you get to the point where you do want a relationship, is that the type you want to have?


Again, girl, I know you run through these thoughts in your head, and sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else so you don't think you're going to make the wrong decision, trust in yourself and trust in those you know who care about you!

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