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Post in Besides Beauty

I need some man advice.

Haha, I realize this is a beauty community but I got great advice on my last OT post so I thought I might try here again... 

 

I'm dating this guy that I met on OkCupid and I find him unbelievably attractive. He's a lawyer (not an insanely rich one, but he does well) and we have a similar sense of humor, etc. He normally doesn't date girls under 23 (He's 28, I'm 21) but since we got on so well online, we agreed to meet in person, a friendly date, just to see what happened...

Girrrrrll....lol.

Ever since then we've been having a REALLY good time. I haven't seriously dated before, as in I've never been in a serious relationship/had a real boyfriend for more than two weeks, so I'm sort of new to this whole thing. I've just never found anyone in my location that i really hit it off with. My romantic life has always been limited to casual dating, most of the guys being in my age range. So this is the first relationship with a guy that I've had that has actually clicked and felt promising (on both ends)!

The problem: He's older. He's more successful compared to moi, a dirt poor college student. He's sarcastic, snarky, and he's a lot more mature than I am. He can be critical, sometimes on the borderline of being mean. Not in an abusive way, but more in an honest, no sugar coating way. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't like...take me seriously, you know? Like he just thinks I'm some dumb kid. I realize it is probably not the truth, since he is choosing to date me and he obviously thinks I'm worth spending time with and pursuing... but maybe it's just me that feels like I'm playing grown up? Sometimes I just detect snark from him and I start feeling like i'm just embarrassingly immature, if that makes sense... maybe it's just my insecurity showing? 

 

Other problems: He's an anti-love angry marriage hater. (Isn't that the way Katherine Heigl worded it in 27 Dresses?) he claims not to love anyone, isn't interested in being in love and never wants to get married. He says he has been in relationship, his longest lasting three and a half years. The only reason why it stopped working was that she hated the fact that they were in an open-relationship; she just couldn't deal with the fact that he was openly seeing other women and did not want to fully commit to just her.

They lived together as well. I asked him why he chose to live with her and even be semi-exclusive- why be in a relationship with someone if you want to openly see other people and want her to as well? Why not just date and not be in a relationship?

That comment above really makes him sound like a jerk... but honestly he is one of the most honest people that i've ever met. He doesn't lie and he always says what he's thinking, and he is very honest about what he wants. It's just a little...intimidating.

 

Right now we're having a lot of fun. My problem is that I'm falling for him a little bit. When he texts me, I still get really nervous and i get butterflies in my stomach. We've been talking and doing this whole thing for months and I still get really excited to see him. It's hard because I know the way he feels about love and relationships. I want to keep seeing him, but it's tough not letting myself fall for him. I don't want to fall in line with his old girlfriends who tried to change him, got angry that he wouldn't commit, etc. So in spite of that, I find myself doing everything I can NOT to be like them. I pay for dates as much as I can, I don't nag him, I don't text him every five minutes to ask where he is... I just find myself doing everything I can not to alienate him and repeat behaviors of his past girlfriends. I'm honestly not trying to get him to love me... I just find myself wanting to please him and that is confusing.


This post is all over the place, but basically, I'm not sure if I should continue with him. While we're having fun right now, I'm concerned that I might want more from him in the future, ie: living together, wanting something more exclusive, etc. Presently everything is perfect & we're enjoying the honeymoon period, but I'm just afraid I will get attached to him and then in the end be hurt. But he is a man set in his ways and I don't for a milisecond think that I can change that, nor do I want to...


So should I just continue on or cut him loose? It's finals week here at my university and I'm pretty stressed out. This is not making it any better!

Re: I need some man advice.

You already know the answer but you want someone else to tell you: he's not that into you.

He also isn't worth it.

I think you also need to work on your self-esteem a little bit, because the fact that you feel self-conscious when he is making snark comments or whatever, you think that you are dumb.

He isn't "a lot" older than you. It's only 7 years of difference. He would be perfect for you if he was commited to you.

Trying to be different than whoever dated him won't get you any points.

 

Just stop seeing him.

Re: I need some man advice.

It depends on what you believe in, what you are willing to compromise and what you are not willing to compromise.

 

First problem: have you approached him about it and just lay it out no sugar coat? I was in a team where I wanted and got the leadership position, there was a guy who has more leadership quality/skill than I did and also wanted the position. Whenever we have team meeting, he either doesn't pay attention, make fun of me, or is very critical/blunt/in-your-face about ideas I propose and decision I make in front of e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. It's embarassing and it hurts. I set up a one-on-one meeting with him in a casual setting and told him that I like his ideas and think his critique of my ideas are valid, but I wish he'd pay more attention and voice his opinion in a different way so we can work together to be more productive and contribute more to the team. Furthermore, his lack of attention and "jokes" really hurts and undermines my leadership. I'm a crybaby and end up crying a bit at the end. He looked genuinely surprised, said he had absolutely no idea and will change his ways. He became very supportive and worked together with me to make our team much better than I could on my own. Not to brag, but our team rocked.

 

Other problem: this depends on your principles. Know what you are willing and not willing to compromise. He's laying it all out for you instead of beating around the bushes, so the ball is in your court. Are you ok being in an open relationship or just a s* buddy? if yes, then there doesn't seem to be a problem. Are you the exclusive type and is only thinking about compromising your principles because you like him? If you are confident that you can make him be so madly in love with you that he will change his mind, go get it girl. If you definitely wants to get married and know you want exclusive relationship, let him know you like the current situation but ultimately, that is what you want. Now the ball is in his court, he can either stay with you knowing you might want that from him in the future, or if he can't deal with the prospect then put proper distance between you two. I had a crush on an awesome guy in college. However, he's traditional/anti-feminist while I'm feminist. That was an issue I was not willing to compromise and he is as firm in his view as I am in mine, so I told him I love him but also why it's not going to work. I said I do not expect a response from him, I would like to stay friends and hang out with him, but be aware of my feelings for him when appropriate. He gently but firmly kept his distance when my feelings end up showing through for the next couple of month. After that, we've been good friends since.

 

Personally, Mr.Lawyer sounds like the kinda guy I love to have vehement argument with but never ever date ever.

Re: I need some man advice.

Run. Away. Quickly. You're setting yourself up for heartbreak. I've been there, and it was a long and painful road because men like that aren't the kind of men that will ever waste a second wondering how you feel...or caring about your happiness and well-being. I'm in a wonderful long-term relationship now with a man that loves me as much as I love him and we're going to be together always....my fiance is the polar opposite of the man you describe. Coming home to someone you love is comforting...coming home to someone who doesn't believe in love is exhausting.

Re: I need some man advice.

WELCOME TO SEPHORA'S LONGEST POST EVER!! HOPE SOME OF YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH AND GIVE SOME COMMENTS - I BELIEVE WE HAVE A FRIEND IN NEED OF ADVICE - HERE GOES

 

Hi nixi - I'm so glad you decided to post this, so glad. For starters, I have no problem dating older men, I Rarely dated anyone my own age, I could count them on less than one hand, but that's just me. The biggest gap was 12 years. Everybody's different, I felt wiser than my years in many ways but also can understand sometimes feeling a little awkward on rare occasions.

 

It's down-hill from there. He is a pig. I don't care how good the sex is, especially if there is a very good possibility he's doing it with other people. I also think it may be a coincidence that it is so great for you, since I don't think he cares at all if it's good for you or not. Personally, I want somebody who wants it to be amazing for both of us, of course it's not going to be equally great each time, but there should be some effort other than the effort I feel he is putting forth -- I can't find any ladylike way of saying what I mean by that, hopefully you know what I mean.. I think it could be anyone at that moment that he wants to do his thing. Please forgive me, I do not want this to hurt you in any way, I am a very big 'benefit of the doubt' kinda gal and would not say these harsh things just because I'm a mean girl or a hater. I think half of the pleasure he derives from sex is well...........obvious (think of a shade of Nars blush & lipstick) I strongly believe the other half of his pleasure is with himself....a mixture of '**bleep** I'm good'  'oh yeah, j just got over on her again and maybe a few other little things. I also totally get the mental image of him High Fiven' himself when he's done, cause he's 'just that good'  NOT!!!!

 

The relationship with his live in 'ex' makes me want to be sick. The whole food, venting, B.J. thing makes me want to go take a Long Hot 'Karen Silkwood' kind of shower. (not talking down to you, it's just that the movie was made maybe before you were even born, with a much younger Cher, Meryl Streep & Kurt Russel. You should watch it, awesome movie. It's a true story, they're working in a factory with nuclear components and if you're found to be contaminated they Scrub the hell out of you with wire bristle brushes- that's the shower scene, happened to her twice in the movie, long story, awesome movie.) anyhow, that's how it makes me feel. Lord only knows where that disgusting and quite possibly diseased thing of his has been. It's so much easier for a woman to catch any kind of STD from a man than, I'm honestly afraid for you. Regardless of what type of birth control you're using, I'd still be afraid. Even if I was using every type of birth-control and taking every disease preventative measure - he would get nowhere near me.

 

***I don't think I'd even shake his hand without a condom on!!! (in case of a bleep...that word was a rubber-ish protective device)***

 

I understand how amazing those good feelings and good times can be, but you need to get out Immediately. I know the butterflies and the fact that he's older, making more money and the fact that he can be nice when he wants to, makes you feel. I know you want to believe there is hope and he'll change etc. I hate to say it, but he won't. There's a saying  "A Leopard dpesm't change it's spots" It's true. I try not to be cynical and do believe there are some exceptions to that rule, but he's not it.

 

The way he talked about the ex and the way he talks to you and treats you is not right, you deserve so much better!! On top of that, this is supposed to be the beautiful honeymoon phase of your relationship, if this is the honeymoon....be afraid. His comments don't just SEEM 'snarky, borderline mean, not sugar coated but honest etc"  They ARE. He is a mean, snarky, twit who likes to play games and prey on a younger and more innocent girl. There are just so many more things I could say, I know that since you haven't been in long-term relationships before makes it even harder to give this up, I know you're hoping there's potential but there isn't. The only potential is for you to get a disease and/or pregnant, and to be more broken hearted the longer this goes on.

 

I hate to say this but....can you imagine the things he's saying to his friends and anyone else who might listen or overhear the foul stuff that comes spewing from his mouth? Word travels fast so you don't know who might hear things and only hear his side of things. Don't let him degrade you or make you the but of a joke among his friends. He is rotten.

 

Try to look 10 years into the future and imagine what you would say to someone telling the exact story you've just told us. What would you say to that sweet, beautiful young girl, sister, friend or whoever. I think you'd tell her to ' RUN!!! and never look back' I also think the fact that he has been good enough to lower the age limit of girls he dates from 23 to 21, just for you. That's BS. ( I'm very sarcastic, that last line should show you. But that's an example of sarcasm being used as a tool to help someone and not a weapon to tear someone to shreds little by little - my sarcasm is fun and keeps us all laughing - for the most part - I'm no saint either. But it's nothing like what he does - it's not used to harm people_

 

Then the other issue -- God forbid you get pregnant, you will be history in no time flat. You'll be lucky if he gives you the money to 'take care of it' You don't want to be forced to terminate, give up or bring a baby into this world in that manner. He will not stand by you at all. It will not change him.

 

Forgive me for saying this, but I do wonder if you've left any other info out of your post, because thinking it and then typing it would make it that much more real, I might be wrong though. The only one he will ever love is himself, oh, and his little friend. For the record, there are other ways to entertain yourself without him, maybe you need to check that out. Some day you will find a REAL man who will treat you properly in ever room of your home and in public too, because he truly loves you. I know it might seem like it'll never happen, but I'd rather be alone than with that jerk.

 

Hmmmmm....I'm left to think what made him this way? Maybe it's just in his genes and he was born to be a pig. When he settles down it will likely be because he's getting old and girls aren't buying his routine anymore, or because he Needs to for some unforseen reason, but it will be His reason and not anyone else's.

 

*****I hope you made it through all of this and that it helped. It will hurt, but I think you know what you need to do. Dump him before he dumps you, although I don't think he will if you remain compliant. You are better than this and deserve better. Don't ever allow anyone make you feel 'less than'  It may take time, but who cares, you're only 21, you have so much ahead of you. The movie Friends With Benefits, and the like, make us hope he'll change of that the situation will. It's possible, but not with this one. It has been so hard not to use off-color language that I try to only say in my brain, that's how passionate I feel about this and how much I feel you are worth. I truly hope you'll keep us posted, I'm sure that all of us who responded are concerned and that there are tons of other girls/guys who may have read your post but weren't sure what to say, who want to know how you're doing.

 

Finally, I'll keep you in my prayers and.......yes, I will mention him in my prayers too (and every girl who ever crosses his path. I will honestly say a prayer for him though, hopefully God (or whoever/whatever you believe in) can straighten him out. Please be careful, okay. You will become a stronger young woman and will be able to walk with your head held high and not being weighed down by this guy. Hang in there, it will get better, the sooner the better. Smiley Happy  Also found it interesting that your name is nixi, divine intervention? Cause I think that says it all - NIX him.

 

HUGE BTW - I am not a man hater by any degree. I Love men and they can be wonderful. So none of this was written in a men are all such jerks, blah-blah-blah way. My 2 sisters are in the man haters club well, one might be saying it partially as a defense, I feel very sorry for them either way. I do not happen to belong to any of those clubs. I am the founding member of the "Princesses Without A Kingdom Club'  I am by no means a man hater and limit male bashing to joking, when we're all having fun (guys included) and know I don't really feel that way. The only other time I may do something considered 'male-bashing' is in a case like this. I just wanted you all to know this post was not driven by that mentality, but by the mentality of a man lover, in most cases. Unfortunately sometimes you've gotta just kiss some frogs, or in this case - a great big Toad!,

 

 

BTW - a quick 'sorry' Again to Beautytester, I only came on to catch up with her via PM's but then this popped out at me and I was compelled to write this, All of this! Now, I'm wiped out again, I'll catch up with you soon beautytester, just in case you've read this, All of this. Thanks for understanding Smiley Wink

 

HOLY C_AP!!!!!  That was long, even for me!!

Re: I need some man advice.

@kssweetheart. Pfft, I like reading things in reverse/bottom up, so the first thing I saw after prettyinpa's post was sorry Beautytester! and I thought I had accidentally said something terribly insensitive or something, then I read the paragraph and thought "oh that's probably kssweetheart" and scrolled up and saw.

 

Forgot to mention but in liu with what prettyinpa is saying, worry about this after the final. You focus on your more important priorities and deal with him later. He does not think of you as special, the fact he is so frank with this means it's nothing personal, that's just how he is as you now know through his past relationships, it's not the girl's problem it's his and he's not planning to change any time soon. You should NEVER judge how much you love a person by sex. That's lust, that's passion, but that's not love and it won't last. If he's a nice person under all that behavior, he should keep his distance after knowing your feelings. Otherwise he doesn't care about you and just want you to serve him, that's not a relationship. He may look cool and exciting, but a relationship is dictated by how you two feel about each other, not external accomplishment/experience/age difference. Change yourself to the woman YOU want to be, and have faith that someone will see and treasure you for who you are.

Re: I need some man advice.

Hi Nixi-

 

I'll weigh in here too- don't make a life decision during finals week, you are under enough stress already. Your education is so much more important than this guy, you don't want to ruin your future.

 

Right when finals are done, RUN! Go home or on a nice trip, whatever will make you feel better and give yourself time to get over this "relationship". I was in an abusive relationship before and this guy sounds so much like my ex, it's pitiful. I was young and fell for his lines and thought I was so mature (I wasn't). It only gets worse. I basically was just around for his convenience, to keep the house tidy and cook for him (he could just hire a maid, though she probably wouldn't have had sex with him Smiley Happy). It was very hard to see that his brutal honesty was for his entertainment and not to actually better me. No one has the right to make you feel bad and snarky remarks are just controlling.

 

It sounds like you want more from this relationship (and you deserve far better IMHO), so since he has said that he isn't into an exclusive set up, you can just tell him that your life goals aren't in sync, and that you can be friends, but you need to move on. I hope that you don't feel too sad from all the advice, it is hard to hear that a guy isn't right for you, and I hope that the next one you meet is "The One". Hold out, I found my forever mate, a wonderful, loving husband who NEVER talks down to me or makes me feel bad, so it's doable.

 

Good luck on finals and finding the perfect guy!

Re: I need some man advice.

He is telling the truth. He wont change. He will continue to be a cheating jerk. Cut him loose before you get treated like his last girlfriend. Or worse get pregnant by accident.
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Re: I need some man advice.

Hi Nixi,

 

I might be reiterating a bit from the above posts...but I agree with the others and think it might be best to turn around and walk away!

 

When you started describing him, my initial reaction was, "he sounds like a douche. But I enjoy douches...." but then mentioning this whole thing with being against exclusive relationships, the whole wanting to come home to someone who's going to cook him meals and pleasure him while he watches tv...just made me mad!! As someone who recently ended a similar relationship, I just want to say that you're entitled to your feelings, and if you feel unsatisfied with what he has to offer/what he can't offer, then you shouldn't have to settle for it.

 

I will veer towards another opinion on one point: while it might feel like he's significantly older than you, I don't think there's *that* much of a difference. I'm 27 and I can say with absolute certainty that most 28 year old guys aren't quite done growing up in terms of emotionally maturity (it actually makes me a little sad, lol, as a grad student...seeing guys my age+ acting no different from my undergrad students...) I think it's actually quite possible that he can mature, change his mind and realize his whole marriage-hating thing was unfounded and that he might actually want to be in a committed relationship.

 

Buuuuut....I wouldn't hold my breath for him.

 

I'd tell him that unless he plans on going through similar character transformations found in the male leads of popular rom-coms, he needs to take a hike.

Re: I need some man advice.

Something tells me you won't take the advice, but I'm with the others-- Run.Like.The.Wind.

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