Health and Sanity Check-Ins

[sprocketta]

Things are crazy now. I think we are all trying to stay healthy and maintain sanity as well. I thought I would start this thread so folks can check in and discuss how they're doing. I want all my BIC friends to be okay. I will kick this off with a first post. Take care of yourself lovelies.

[pocketvenus]

Just wanted to check in with how people are doing during this wave. I know since the pandemic hit, a LOT of unpaid, unrecognized work has fallen to women. I don't know about you, but I am really burned out??

I'm taking a part time course and it includes a group project. After weeks of observing my group failing to self-organize, wasting time in these spectacularly ineffectual meetings with zero attempts to moderate discussion or drive it toward any objectives, deliverables or deadlines resulting in a serious lack of coordination, I stepped in and took charge.

[Rereading this, I sound very peevish so I edited it down!! tl;dr: I'm tired of picking up after men 🙃] One part of me is pragmatic. I need a decent group grade to pass the class (majority of my final grade) and frankly, it is less work when I am in charge instead of watching the others faff about. I'm hoping some readers here can relate. I know it benefits me to take on this work and it saves me time. But the other part of me is VERY irritated after leading projects over the past two years. I could've said no to other things too. So I get it's my "choice". But the thing is, I did say no, repeatedly. I have no difficulty saying no. But there are some things I won't compromise on.

I know a lot of us out there have been taking on the lion's share of childcare, elder care, community care. It feels like whenever there's money and prestige, men are happy to take charge and whenever's there's "unskilled" or undesirable work to be done like emotional labour or volunteer labour, and especially when it comes to family care and friendships, it's women who are shouldering the load. I know when covid hit, a lot of my female colleagues were given the additional burden of organizing remote social activities and making sure team members were okay in addition to everything else. Are they getting more pay or promotions for this? LOL. How are you holding up? How do you keep pushing through all this? How have you improved things for yourself? How do you stay positive and keep things as fair to yourself and others as possible?

[Samtian]

@pocketvenus Reading how things are for others in those kind of work environments sure makes me glad I'm just a simpleton working in a factory lol. I do have to clean up after the crews on day shift with my line led by men...who don't do anything and get all the praise 🙄. But I don't think I could handle a job with meetings or assignments. We have occasional meetings and I'll always complain they could have been an email. No one likes going in on our days off haha.  

[pocketvenus]

@Samtian ❤️ Whether one is working a white collar or blue collar job, there are a lot of things these positions share. Sexism for one thing, yes. The worker-employer power dynamic is another. I know the specificities can be very different but in some  important ways, there is a common struggle.

Honest to god, hearing you are able to enjoy perfumes again was really a bright light in my week 🌻

[Samtian]

@pocketvenus That is for sure! And awe I'm glad I could help brighten your week!

[Samtian]

PS Sorry you have to deal with that!

[danielledanielle]

@pocketvenus , GIRL, GGIIIIIRRRLLL.  Definitely can relate. During my internship I had two other people that would literally ask me to send them files directly from our shared folder.  🤦🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️. They were younger than me and supposedly more tech savvy 😑🙄

I have a work assignment next week where I'm supposed to talk about work/life balance, and I've already thought to myself, "how am I going to politely lie address this?". But in reality, I do try to delineate what I can and have off time.  I'm very fortunate, but even when I wasnt at a point, I've always fought for the time.  (I'm not suggesting anyone isn't, just trying to convey everyone has the right to self care, but man, sometimes you really have to argue advocate for it.)

Firm boundaries are key.  It can be uncomfortable, but you gotta set them.  Burnout is real.

[pocketvenus]

@danielledanielle I've had this exact experience, as if their hands and brains got broke ha ha ha!!! Yes, everyone comes from a different level of leverage and precarity. When it comes to this sort of thing, it's really important to know your own labour laws where you are, what's in your contract, and what kinds of rights one is entitled to. The costs of fighting for them are different depending on one's individual situation and sometimes it's not worth going after those rights. But I have also seen workers get screwed over because they didn't know what legal protections were in place for them. Same thing for tenants. So painful to see people agree to what amounts to an illegal eviction in Toronto because they didn't know better. Know your rights and go after them!! 🙂

[QueenMarceline]

@danielledanielle I just had to say... when I read "how am I going to politely lie address this?" I felt that... in my soul. 🤣👀

[Kim888]

Sorry to hear your in the midst of such a stressful time @pocketvenus ! Group projects are always the absolute worst! There’s always someone who doesn’t do their share and while of course you can say no, it’s hard to when you’re grade is riding on it! 

[SportyGirly125]

@pocketvenus @Kim888 I remember group

projects in college were rough. I was always praying I would get a group where everyone wanted to participate but that never happens. I was always the one who was the leader and had to pull most of the weight. There were only a couple of times where I got a great group. I’m glad we got to grade each other because there was one person we all gave a F grade to. He deserved it for coasting. 

[pocketvenus]

@SportyGirly125 @Kim888 Thanks ❤️ It's not so bad, just a very "straw that broke the camel's back" situation. I can totally see you leading teams in college, @SportyGirly125 . So many highly organized mothers I know could easily out-perform a lot of project managers out there who are only in it for prestige and more pay and show no compassion for the well being of their team members.

[niki172]

@pocketvenus I'm not one for positivity - I really try but I was genetically coded to be a pessimist (thanks Dad lol). With that said I have an extremely hard time saying no and being a "fixer" which it sounds like you are too. I have been taking care of two loved ones that have had surgery and also are having major ongoing health issues. I have an elderly cat that needs a lot of attention due to IBS, CKD, and other health issues (he goes to the vet every 2 weeks which is financially hard but we're making due). I've been fighting insurance companies while at the same time trying to get people at doctor's offices to do their job (i.e. making sure things get approved by insurance - there's nothing like getting a call at 5:30 Friday night telling you a procedure has been denied and if you show up on Monday morning you'll owe the total $2500+ at that time. Who has that kind of money just laying around right now?!??!!??). I hate with every fiber of my being this health insurance plan that we are on and it is not cheap either (for myself and my spouse for the month it's roughly the same amount as my mortgage and the coverage is terrible). Sorry for that tangent.

Slowly I have let things go to the wayside because I just can't keep going (such as not being on here as much which I feel guilty about, posting on IG, eating poorly etc) because on top of everything I have to still keep going. I have to work my full time job, I have to take care of the things that others won't (I SO HEAR YOU on the things that fall to women front - I feel you sister and trust me I am there in the mire with you). I've felt like I've been wadding in quicksand until my body has finally said NO for me. I am burnt out completely to the point of exhaustion.

It's been saying no for about 3 months but it finally won this last week when I had a panic attack in the doctor's office (something I haven't had in a long time and I can't remember the last time I had one in public) which was witnessed by the doctor and her nurse and it was totally mortifying. I got put on steroids to help with all the inflammation in my body due to stress/autoimmune disorder going nutso, and blood pressure medication because I can't calm down (again stress mixed in with a healthy dose of insomnia to the max). I was ordered to take a mini vacation at home to rest and for my own mental health but I'm not sure if that'll happen as there are still too many balls in the air that I'm trying to juggle and I can't shut off my brain. I'm even scheduled to get a heart scan just to make sure things are okay. I have 5 more procedures that I need to get loved ones thru including dealing with nutso insurance still.  I'm really hoping come October things will finally calm down.

If it means anything I applaud you for getting through all that you are going thru with grace (at least it sounds like it to me). I know what is on both of our plates is different, but if I could give you a tiny bit of advice just don't do what I did. I'm paying the price right now and it is a hefty one. Please find the things to say no to -  I understand that saying no to things like the health of your loved ones is hard but sometimes when those people can take care of certain things by themselves and they are more than capable of doing so you need to let go. I'm really trying to teach myself that - the struggle is so very real.

These last two years have been the absolute hardest of my life from Covid, losing loved ones, things being shut down and necessary items hard to find, illnesses, my spouse losing his job, financial issues, family squabbles, and the world just generally being a huge dumpster fire. What I would give for a day to go to a beach and hunt for sea shells and walking the shore at nighttime with the waves lapping at my feet. My only respite is in books currently and I guess that's my two pieces of advice from all of this word salad that I've served up - say no to the things that aren't emergencies or delegate and find time in your day for you to be able to shut off your brain and just rewind. With Halloween coming up I recommend The Southern Book Club's Guide to Slaying Vampires. It's a campy 80's romp with a bit of spooky added to it perfect for the season. I wish everyone peace and seeing how I'm due to get up in 6 hours for work I better go - happy Monday 🙃.

[curlychiquita]

@niki172 , that's a lot. It's hard when everything hits at once, and with COVID, it's been going on for a long time. Good luck! 💗

[QueenMarceline]

@niki172 I'm so sorry for everything you are going through, I really hope you can get some alleviation from your stress as soon as possible and I'm truly rooting for you <3. I'm also super sorry about your pet, I've been there and it's so rough. I truly feel like having sick pets that need lots of care is an unspoken about topic and it seems that it's something people don't bring up enough. It can be extremely stressful, expensive, time consuming and at times very emotional but is somehow looked at as a taboo "excuse" (for lack of a better term) to not tending to other responsibilities and/or taking a day off, especially in a work setting. 

[niki172]

@QueenMarceline I'm thankful that my employer sees pets as family and not just animals that belong to you (sorry I'm going on about 3 hours of sleep right now and my brain is mush but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say). My first cat got sick in 2013 (actually on Superbowl Sunday he had a stroke and was diagnosed with heart issues) and I thankfully had him for another 6 years. Unfortunately his younger "brother" (who is almost 19) has been sick since 2018 so I've been dealing with aging sick kitties for almost 10 years now. It's all the things that you said but as long as they want to eat, snuggle, and aren't in any pain I'll do everything in my power to keep being a good Momma to them 💜.

[QueenMarceline]

@niki172 That's truly wonderful of your employer ❤️

[danielledanielle]

@niki172 , I'm sorry to hear all of this.  Insurance can be despicable.  On a healthcare person end of it, denials and copays are so ridiculous.  I've had high risk people like yourself denied for things I assumed were pretty straight forward.  Makes me angry, but I hope there's something better coming for you.

[niki172]

Thanks so much @danielledanielle our insurance broker reached out to me on Monday to ask if there "was anything they could do" which shocked the crud out of me and also made me a little mad as they've been apprised of the situation(s) for quite some time. Hopefully they'll be able to help me somehow with everything going on. I didn't know there was a shortage of in home medical equipment due to recalls and my spouse has been put on a waiting list so hopefully he'll get off it soon. I was told the waiting list is over a year out, but due to his circumstances he got jumped in line to the 2-3 month waiting period. I'm not holding my breathe but I also find myself trying to find it on my own somehow and/or wheeling and dealing to try and get him moved up that list even farther (**if a major vital organ wasn't involved I wouldn't be doing these mental gymnastics). Nothing sketchy or like ordered from Wish - these are the things that make me pull my hair out.

[danielledanielle]

Sounds like the broker has a conscience? @niki172 ...Ugh, the fact that you have to do that is what gets me.  All these systems are kind of broken, but I'm glad he was moved up.

[niki172]

@danielledanielle it only took the broker over 4 months to grow one. Where's Jiminy Cricket when you need him?? They've known I've had issues since the first of the year after they told me that all my doctors minus one would be in network and that turned out to be false so I have to pay out of pocket to see the majority of my specialists. They claim that their hands are tied and it's not their fault that hospital and the insurance company had a falling out basically over coverage. It wasn't until my husband started having major issues that this really ramped up - they called me about 2 months ago with their attorney on the line it was so strange. As the daughter of someone that was a medical professional and ran a whole clinic by herself I know a thing or two that the average person doesn't know. I just can't WAIT for the insurance meeting that is coming up to discuss what will be offered for 2023. I'm going to have a speech and receipts prepared.

[SportyGirly125]

@niki172 I am so sorry about all the family medical juggling you have been dealing with as well as your own.  This breaks my heart that you have been dealing so much personally.  I can only hope and pray that it will get better for you.  If you need us you know how to contact us either on here or IG.