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Disrespectful Brother-In-Law

Ok please help Smiley Sad I have a brother in law that disrespects me in front of family and friend's. I have told my hubby and he say's he will deal with it but doesn't wanna hurt his brother's feeling's. This has been going on for month's and i'm tired of it. My question is should I go ahead and deal with it myself?

Re: Disrespectful Brother-In-Law

If your man won't, yes. Yes you should and get loud if you need to. If that won't work have someone talk to him that he'll listen to. Though honestly your husband shouldn't be letting his brother disrespect you in any way, shape, or form and his family should be calling it out as well (all depending on your relationship,what's being said, and their personalities I guess).



My boyfriends brother called me a racial slur the other week while we were walking out the front door and it took everything in him not to turn around and punch him in the face. We knew if my boyfriend talked to him he'd laugh it off so what did we do? Tell mom (everyone in this situation is under 23 and still lives at home) as she's the one person he listens to and he won't dare laugh at her in the face. I thought she was going to go downstairs and pull dad aside and talk to him about it first and then talk to the brother like she said she would. Nope. She apologized to me, walked downstairs, and proceed to call him a piece of racist sugar honey ice tea and went on from there.

Re: Disrespectful Brother-In-Law

I think your husband should be handling it since it is his family.  Your husband, however, is agreeing with the disrespect in his failure to say something to his brother. Apparently he thinks the behavior is acceptable?  Unfortunately, if the brother doesn't have respect for you I'm doubtful that saying anything yourself is going to be particularly effective. 

Re: Disrespectful Brother-In-Law

I would let my husband know that his refusal to deal with his brother himself to spare his feelings is not going to work. Not only are your feelings being hurt and made too feel unimportant but it's creating unnecessary tension. 


If he continues to refuse to confront his brother, I would pull the brother aside and let him know it's hurtful and unacceptable. If you're on good terms with your mother in law you can always seek her advice first.


Re: Disrespectful Brother-In-Law


Re: Disrespectful Brother-In-Law

Tell your hubby, you are dealing with it yourself.
Stand up for yourself, you don't need that treatment.

And yes I know from experience that nasty empty feeling you get
as it is happening and then no one is sticking up for you.
It is a horrible, lonely unwanted feeling.
I dunno if you feel it, but I did.
I am so sorry. But I say stop it before it gets worse.

Re: Disrespectful Brother-In-Law

Your hubby should be your first target, honestly, if he's more focused on his brother's feelings over his own wife's, that is not ok.


If he still doesn't stand up for you, you should call out your brother in law in front of other people so they can witness it and there won't be any "he said she said" after the encounter.


Sorry you're having this problem Smiley Sad

Re: Disrespectful Brother-In-Law

So, your husband doesn't want to hurt the person's feelings who is deliberately hurting someone else's feelings?  That makes no sense whatsoever, and if I were you I would point out the cognitive dissonance there.


And then I would tell him that if he doesn't do it, I will.  His choice.

Re: Disrespectful Brother-In-Law

Babe, I am sorry you're having to deal with that ... family can be tricky.


I agree with what others have said: it's not okay that he's hurting your feelings in order not to hurt his brother's.  


However, it does remind me of a friend I once had.  She was what I like to call an emotional extortionist.  We'll call her B.  No one wanted to say 'no' to B or call her out because then this grown, 30-something woman would pitch a fit, bawl, stomp, shout and basically make everyone miserable.  We went to the restaurants she wanted to go to, the movies, plays, galleries, etc.  When I finally said 'no' to her, she was horrid for a month.  She was petty, rude and ungracious.  I was sick of it so I didn't care.  Everyone else just didn't want to deal with the crap that ensued whenever she was told 'no'.  Remember Veruca Saslt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?  Pretty much her as an adult.


All this to say ... maybe your husband doesn't want to deal with his brother causing a scene or whatever, and there you are being gracious and patient so he keeps avoiding the problem.  I would talk to your husband, and ask him how you can deal with it as a unit (united fronts are best!) and tell him you want to make sure he's behind you 100% before you stand up--graciously--to your brother.  Be strong, but be civil.  We know you're both of those things but this is a very emotional situation.  Don't let you BIL ruffle you or he will use that as an excuse to continue behaving badly toward you and claim he's the victim.  Also, don't take your BIL's behavior personally.  Is it aimed at you?  Sure.  But it's ultimately his issues and problems that are the root of his actions.


Good luck, and let me know if there's anything I can do!  Sending much love your way!

Re: Disrespectful Brother-In-Law

A lady, as always Q!! Smiley Happy

Re: Disrespectful Brother-In-Law

Would you forward your office hours for counseling,....I need to address some issues,....of course I'll have to pay you in Sephora Hearts or Perk Points.  Smiley Happy  Smiley Happy Smiley Happy Smiley Happy

Re: Disrespectful Brother-In-Law

I agree with everyone!! Good advice!

Re: Disrespectful Brother-In-Law

Thank You all for the advise <3 I am gonna talk to the hubby tonight and we will see what happens. 

Re: Disrespectful Brother-In-Law

Awe, so sorry to hear you are having problems with you in laws. They can be tricky to deal with! I say if your hubby isn't going to stand up for you- which he should, considering it's his brother!- then you NEED to stand up for yourself! No one should make someone else feel bad- that just isnt right! 

I was so upset when my BL came over while I was outside letting my little ones play and he just lights up a cigarette! I'm like HELLO- my kids are right here, 2 feet away from you. He has 2 kids of his own about the same age as mine and he would never do that around his kids. His family doesn't even know he smokes! My husband was right there and didn't say anything! Needless to say, I hurried my kids inside. I told my husband that it's his place to stand up for our family if his family is involved- just like I would step up if my sister did something. ----thanks for trying to give my kids cancer Uncle S!


you have to stand up for yourself if your husband doesn't!  And don't you dare feel bad about it! I told my husband that next time something happens- I'm going to day something if he doesn't! You should too!

Re: Disrespectful Brother-In-Law

Sorry for the rant. 


Re: Disrespectful Brother-In-Law

Noooo you go on with your bad self!   

I bet you feel better now!  Whew! Smiley Wink

Re: Disrespectful Brother-In-Law

Lol! I do now after reading your comment! 

Re: Disrespectful Brother-In-Law

I highly doubt that your husband is going to say anything because it's his brother and it puts him in a difficult position. I think if you really feel disrespected you need to confront him about it or add something embarrassing about him into the conversation. You can't let him get away with him making you feel bad or it'll continue. Sometimes people don't even realize they're being rude. I hope your husband does something or that you can get a chance to tell him off. good luck x

Re: Disrespectful Brother-In-Law

First, I would take aim at my husband. Last I checked, you should be your husband's TOP priority.


Your husband told you he didn't want to hurt his brother's feelings. Reading that makes my blood boil. So, he'll allow you to get hurt but he wouldn't dare stop your tormentor for fear of hurting him?! It's incredibly unfair and outrageous that your husband isn't willing to put himself in your shoes.


Second, I'd put this jerk in his place on my own. Yes, it's lovely to have your husband to stand up for you, but if he refuses (deal with that later)... you need to take ownership of how people treat you. Don't tolerate anything less than respect. If after being corrected, your brother-in-law continues to act disrespectful, that's when you get up and leave (with or without your husband). You don't have to be in a hostile environment. 

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