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RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

welcome back to the junk drawer of random beauty thoughts and musings. it has been nearly a year, so i think it is time for a rew RT thread ! 

 

when i'm doing my makeup in the morning, my dog sometimes throws a fit until i move his food bowl over to where i'm sitting. i'm certainly not the diva in our relationship.

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Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

Time flies so fast from a parent perspective.  I can scarcely believe that my baby will be leaving for college in only a few years.  Your insights are really very helpful.  She needs tools, not lectures.  And I want her to continue coming to me for guidance.

I need to think through all you said.  Information rich!  And i'll apply it.

Thanks!

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

This is from a teenagers perspective (even if i am only one for a month more!)

 

i have always struggled with my looks. I towered above everyone else (6'1" full grown), thought my nose looked like a goblins, and was overweight to boot. But when i was around 17/18 i finally decided that it wasnt looks that made someone beautiful, it was the confidence in themselves. I had to hold my head up high, and tell myself that no ones opinion mattered but mine. Sure, there are times when i feel ugly and horrible, but there are times when i just stare in the mirror and appreciate the good things. 

 

Oh, im going off on a tangent, but to sum up what i think, remember this.

 

the person you are on the inside is going to reflect on the outside. If you are good and sweet and kind people can and will see that. If you are the opposite, than people will see that to. But stick to you guns, and know who you are because no one can define you but you.

 

(sorry if this was disjointed, im blaming it on the twenty wires on my head.)

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

Not disjointed at all.  It just reminds me that what people value at 16 is so different from what they value later in life.  It helps me hearing perspectives from those closer to my daughter's age.  It isn't just an age thing...the world continues to change.  So I really don't "get" certain things (snapchat, for one).

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

This is a really weird area for me, because my teenage years and how I viewed myself are totally different and yet not that different from how I am now. So, this may or may not be helpful.

 

My mom, in my opinion, was a bit turned around on this subject. I always felt like she was telling me that I had the potential to be beautiful, but I wasn't quite there yet, and it kind of messed me up a bit. She'd tell me I'm beautiful, but she'd also tell me I need to wear something besides a t-shirt because I didn't look like I cared about myself. I wore t-shirts and jeans all through high school. I straightened my hair. I wore foundation, mascara, and eyeliner. Now, I only wear t-shirts when I'm going to Walmart. I leave my hair in its natural curls. My face costs $300+, if I remember correctly from the make up bag thread.

 

I had to find it myself. The more she pushed me, the more I pushed back, but I was and still am stubborn. Looking back on it, I think my mom was trying to do something very good for me, but maybe not in the best way.

 

As cliche as it is, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and when it comes to your daughter, her eye is the most important. Honestly, back then I didn't care how I thought about myself. My mom knew that, she just didn't know how to change it, so her effort was, "You need to stop wearing so many t-shirts."

 

I would say, take her shopping, and help her find what she feels beautiful wearing. Talk about why that's what makes her feel beautiful. Talk to her about what qualities she finds beautiful in her friends, whether it's looks or not, and ask her why, because knowing why she thinks things are beautiful is important too.

 

I think, at least in my life, the key has been finding the balance of feeling beautiful while wearing my best outfit and also feeling beautiful while wearing my favorite pair of sweats. 

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

That's great advice. My daughter has her own style and it's very different from mine.  I need to respect that. As moms, we can project.

I'm trying to let her pick more and more.  She can be very bossy...so it's a natural evolution.  Complicated!

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

My style is very different from my mom's too. As I've gotten older, I've realized we can learn from each other. She asks me for opinions on shirts she wants to buy all the time now. It was just in my teenage years, I wanted my independence, and I wanted to make decisions for myself. That's why I think taking her shopping and letting her find something herself, even if it's not your taste (because, oh boy did it take awhile for me and my mom to get over that), just let her try it out. To me, it's all about carving out your own personal taste.

 

I still go shopping with my mom, and we still ask each other for opinions, and most of the time it's, "Well, I wouldn't wear it, but it would look great on you!"

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

My daughter actually makes me sit through excruciatingly slow shopping and outfit choosing sessions.  I keep reminding myself to be grateful that I have a seat at her table!

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

I love that! It's sweet, even if it's slow.

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

I would basically just compliment her on the things you admire in her - tell her she's pretty. Tell her she has great hair or beautiful eyes or a charming smile. But, also tell her that she is smart or funny or talented at xyz or all of the above.

 

Take the opportunities during a movie or tv show to ask her how she feels about the social interplay or the emphasis on beauty vs brains. But, I would let her take the lead on most of these discussions - just make it clear that you think she is terrific and loved 🙂

 

Make sure to emphasize taking care of her teeth or her weight or her skin because it is good for her health and long-term survival on this planet. NOT because you care how she looks or is perceived

 

I have sons and nieces - my boys should be easier but I have already heard them call themselves fat 😞 I try to tell them that they are handsome, funny, smart, talented. But, I also try to tell them that trying, effort, determination, perseverance are more important than any ingrained talent/gift. I don't want them to limit themselves (though I don't want them to actually count on being chipper jones either) to the things they were born with or that come easily.

 

Another reason I need to go back to TKD - I am not even remotely athletic so I really need to try to model working hard to improve at something that doesn't come naturally.

 

ETA: I also try to emphasize how much I value kindness and generosity. And I know I display compassion and empathy because I am quite likely to cry over strangers' tragedies. While I have no desire for them to be as easily touched by other people's pain, I hope it will help them long term be better at relating and thinking about other people's feelings to a degree

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

All good points!  Amazing even boys are feeling the "fat" thing.

I can't ignore the importance of looks.  But, as someone aging, I know that they're so superficial (and don't, ultimately, matter as much as the person).

Good advice.  Thanks!

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

I agree with @jemly with regards to framing 'beauty' as more about taking care of/nurturing oneself.  Not tying it strictly to her looks should help to keep it neutral.

 

rather than necessarily being wrapped up in the superficiality of beauty, helping her to understand beauty from the inside out could help, too.  As others have mentioned, qualities like kindness, compassion and thoughtfulness play a lot into how I perceive 'beauty' in people, sometimes moreso than outward appearance.  

 

FWIW, I don't think saying 'looks don't matter/aren't important' is necessarily bad; I definitely don't think it means ugly.  Maybe seeing it more in the perspective of 'looks are something, but not everything' makes more sense, because we do still live in a superficial world.  I was raised by my dad from 6 y/o and he never commented on my appearance; good or bad.  I grew up not giving AF about what people thought about my appearance, because truly, that's nobody's business 😉

 

So... all that to say I think strength and individuality are more important to true 'beauty' than weight/hair/skin/etc. As long as you are there to listen, she will be ok.

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

I hope she'll be ok.  So far, so good (knock on wood).  But I also really value other people's insight and experiences.  We're all shaped in different ways. I live in a pretty superficial place, though obviously there is depth (and people of depth) here too.

Beauty fades; the person continues to blossom.  I want to teach her how.  And appreciate the insight!

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

I have to young adult children and I just wanted to share one thing that I have learned to use when talking with teens. Make sure you dont just talk to them. Ask questions or bring up subjects and give them plenty of time to respond or say something. I feel like they have so much going on in their head that if you just lecture them they will not listen. This works epecially well with my son who has a had time vocalizing his feeling quickly and will just shutdown if he feels overwhelmed but also is good for my daughter who is more of a....rattle mouth. Lol.  Lots of listening. 

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

Thanks!  I try.  I wonder constantly at the balance between listening and setting down rules.

At 15 a lot is going on.  It's hard to remember back...

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

 

That is a tough one. 'Beautiful'' is a relative and constantly-shifting concept. Perhaps keeping the focus of the discussion on confidence would make the matter easier to address. Ask her what about herself she feels are her best and most important qualities and what wants to project to the outside world. Clothes and makeup can, as she sees fit, become part of her toolbox for doing that. Still plenty of room in there for brains, wit, and compassion, among others. Really, there's no getting around the fact that appearance matters greatly in our society, but classic beauty really isn't a requirement for looking fabulous and oozing self-assuredness (think Sarah Jessica Parker), which is the actual quality that turns heads. 

 

Adding: If that doesn't work out just quote Helena Rubinstein - 'There are no ugly girls, just lazy ones' (or something like that)

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

@MarciaBrady The HR quote is so true. Not surprisingly, my kids do get skin care lectures.

Yes, confidence and how you want to present yourself to the world.  Better than just "looks"!  Thanks!

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

this is tough. i'm not a mom, but i can speak from my experience as a teen (so please pardon me if this response seems a bit self involved...ironically). i was not a cute teenager. i had hair i never washed (because it was curly and i didn't know how to deal with the frizz), pimples all over my face, braces, the whole she-bang. my mom always told me i was beautiful and i don't resent her for it. it was nice to hear it from somewhere when i was feeling so utterly awful about myself. if she had told me "looks don't matter, at least you're smart"...even as a smart girl i think it would have destroyed me at that age.

 

i don't think it's unhealthy to teach women to value beauty (particularly when the focus of beauty is taking care of yourself and being healthy), only because to be shamed for being interested in it can be just as bad, and therefore counter productive. and i don't think it would hurt anyone to believe their mother find them beautiful.

 

what i do think is this: the key is to make sure they're interested in other things as well. i can look back and admit that i was preoccupied with looks (because i hated myself), but i also was a dancer full time in a dance company, i was on the debate team, i was into photography, i was in english classes that allowed me to choose my own books and pursue my own intellectual and creative curiosities. so yeah, i was distracted by beauty and looks (like so many teenage girls are), but i also somehow managed to develop character along side it, and i ended up alright, and perhaps more importantly, with perspective...

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

Same. I was a potato with glasses, but my mom told me I was beautiful. Even if she just said it because she's my mom, it was important to me. It's still important to me. Even now when I have days when I don't like myself I know that my mom loves me and thinks I'm amazing. If she had ever once not believed in me, I think I would have given up hope. It's important to feel like your mother believes in you, even when it's something as superficial as looks. It's something to appreciate alongside their hard work, their humor, their kindness. 

 

I've never agreed with the idea what we shouldn't tell young girls they're pretty. Telling me I'm pretty doesn't mean that I'm NOT smart or NOT funny. Being one thing does not mean you aren't also another thing. Does that make sense?

 

Appreciating your own looks/body is irrelevant to how you grow as a person, I think. We're all so obsessed with makeup here, but we're also complex individuals. We're vain. But we're not defined by our vanity. 

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

@ShannonAlexis that faith is probably the most important thing.  I really like that comment.  

Makeup gives a little control, when our looks alone maybe don't.  Vanity, to a degree, can be good right?  It means confidence at one level.

Anonymous Insider

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

I agree!! Some kind of unconditional acceptance I guess? I didn't have to be this and that to be their perfect girl. That worked as some fundamental source of confidence and fuller self-acceptance (even though I have "flaws"), which in turn helps me do/focus on so many other things instead of feeling inadequate. 

Re: RANDOM THOUGHTS : BEAUTY (PART DEUX)

@jemly That helps. And it's a self interested topic because to add real comments we need to touch our own experiences and emotions.

Thankfully, my daughter is proud of her intelligence and has interests.  She's into debate and brutal.

I live in a shallow city sometimes, the whole entertainment industry thing, and so looks can be too important here.  Guiding her is tough.  I appreciate the perspective.

When my parents told me my looks didn't matter to me, young, it meant that I was ugly. Not a good thing to grow up believing.  I'm trying to do it differently.

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