ilovetopurplefy

There's this guy...

There's this guy in my dorm that I've become friends with. I'm not too sure but I think he has a crush on me. Let's call him A. A has been doing things lately that you would see a boyfriend do to his girlfriend that has been making me a bit uneasy. For example, putting his arms around me, playing with my hair, trying to hold my hand, etc. I told A it was making me uncomfortable and he backed off for a few days but is back to where it was before. I've never been in a relationship! I don't want to hurt his feelings and tell him that I have no other feelings than just being friends. I hate hurting people. What should I do?

 

LKuhle

Re: There's this guy...

If he's really a good guy, then he'll understand if you're not interested in him in any romantic way and back off. If he takes it personally and gets angry, then he's not a good guy and that's not the kind of person you want as a friend anyway. I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, but you shouldn't have to put up with behavior that you don't feel comfortable with.

 

Just remember, you don't want a guy in your life who doesn't know how to take NO for an answer and respect your boundaries.

wingatprsct

Re: There's this guy...

(0) Hearts

Well said, LKuhle!

lylysa

Re: There's this guy...

If you know how you feel and how you want things, set things straight and stand firm.

 

If you only see him as being a friend and are not interested in a relationship or even dating this guy, do not be afraid or quiet about reinforcing the fact that his approaches are not welcomed and are not wanted.

 

Don't think that by not saying anything and just letting him carry on that you're sparing his feelings, that mindset will allow him to only continue and put you in the awkward situation of feeling uncomfortable. If you're not reciprocating his feelings or actions because you're just flat out not interested in any romantic sense with him, not speaking up will only allow him to think it's okay and for him to continue.

 

 

ghkim

Re: There's this guy...

oh man, so sorry to hear this - it really sucks that someone can make you feel so uncomfortable. there are many ways to handle this, depending on the guy and the situation. i would try to tell him once again that you are not interested and, more specifically, that you would like him to stop doing x, y, and z. but if that doesn't work, surround yourself with men and women who can stick up for you as well. i remember a guy in college who i just could not shake. it took another guy putting his arm around me and pulling me away from guy #1. sometimes that gets through to guys more clearly. often your girlfriends can help confront this guy and keep him in his place. please do not worry about A's feelings. worry about yourself - college is awesome and you should be having the time of your life.

brennn

Re: There's this guy...

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Wow, that must have been a scary situation. It's pathetic that sometimes the only thing that will get through to men like that is "I have a boyfriend" or doing what you did. That's basically saying "I respect another man's claim on you more than all your rejections and refusals of unwanted advances."  Glad you had a good friend around to help you.  

wingatprsct

Re: There's this guy...

I hate to be blunt here but......guys are after one thing!  You'll have to swim through a lot of sharks to find the real catch.  I'm afraid if his intentions were true he would have respected your personal boundaries the first time. He is definitely playing on your emotions because you are a nice person but you're also a challenge.  

 

I suggest, as others, that another serious "no" is in order. The next time he touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, tell him right then and there, no matter who is around.  If he is interested in you as a friend, he would respect your feelings.  If not, why worry about his?  I'm afraid that when he gets the message he will move on to other fish to fry.  It's a hard lesson in life to learn, but your personal respect should be valued above all else.

 

BTW, there are good guys out there  - I found one.  Guys need time to mature, but you'll find that some never grow up! 

brennn

Re: There's this guy...

When you say no, and mean no and the other person continues, you should think immediately — not “how do I make it nice, how do I make it better” — but immediately think why is this person trying to control me because “no” is a complete sentence. Don't ever feel like you have to apologize for saying no or feel like it needs a qualifier.  

 

Unless you are blunt, this type of "Nice Guy" hears "I like you as a friend" as "I like you but I need convincing." Like the other lovely BT's here advised you, be firm about the boundaries that your are comfortable with.  If he keeps pushing it, be prepared to phase him out of your life.  At university there are so many opportunities to meet new people that you shouldn't feel obligated to keep the friendship with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable just because they are nice to you.  He is not respecting your feelings to back off so don't make his feelings a priority over your personal comfort.  

Meg82

Re: There's this guy...

This advice is absolutely perfect.

nebel

Re: There's this guy...

This is excellent advice, and I agree 100%  No means NO and it is the only thing he should need to respect your feelings.

 

If he does not respect that, he is NOT nice. 

 

Do not feel bad.  Do not feel obligated.  You are your own person, and you don't owe anyone anything. 



PoesRevy

Re: There's this guy...

It seems you may need boundaries regarding this friendship (ie: "No")and if he cannot respect the boundaries, then it may be in your best interest not to remain friends. He really should not be touching you physically unless he is invited to do so. Sadly, often guys think because a female is being nice that she is interested.

The word "No" or "Stop it" is not being hurtful to him, it is being true to yourself.

ry22

Re: There's this guy...

I agree with all the other beauties. Don't get involved with him because you feel obligated to. This summer I started texting a guy. I loved texting him and thought of him as a great friend. Then one day we went out on a date. During the few weeks we were together, we were on completely different pages. I wanted to slow things down, but he told me things like I would make a great wife and he wants to have someone waiting for him when he gets back from the military. I'm sixteen, I don't want a relationship that serious. So I broke up with him, and now he won't even make eye contact with me, while I want to go back to being friends :smileysad: So yeah, I don't think dating a friend is a good idea

tashalicious

Re: There's this guy...

you're going to have to be firm with him or else he's going to "pretend" not to get the message. don't worry about his feelings, he'll live.

CzaCee

Re: There's this guy...

Just tell him the truth. That you only think of him as a friend and nothing more. Be honest but watch the words you're gonna say because you don't wanna lose the friendship right? :smileyhappy:

 

 

ughhhh. the problems of being too attractive and beautiful. lol. :smileyhappy:

neko333

Re: There's this guy...

[ Edited ]

I've been in this situation multiple times. Each time it was unsettling for different reasons and I don't think a broad brush approach will solve this. Maybe write a letter and explain why. It's not as hurtful as face to face and you will be able to get your point across much better. I do suggest an actual note and not a text though.

mafan

Re: There's this guy...

I agree with the others. Don't be too blunt, but be clear. I was on vacation the past two weeks at an all couples resort, from newlyweds to older couples. More than once the conversation, men and women, turned to the fact that guys need to hear things in a few words and simply. Don't worry too much about his feelings, it's much, much more important to be clear and be consistent. Tell him you only want to be friends. Tell him not to touch your hair or put his arms around you. When you've been friends with a guy for years you can better understand friendly physical contact, but for now, avoiding it is much clearer for both of you. "No" is your best friend here, and not letting him do things so that words are saying one things but actions are confusing him. 

Emeraldlight

Re: There's this guy...

Ahh, memories of college life.   If this guy really respected and cared for you he would listen to what you have to say. Some relationships are better off left platonic. If he wants to be part of your life he will listen and come to an understanding. If not, then he is being self centered.  You both are young, you both will bounce back. 

 

Believe me, dorm romances are not the ideal situations. Especially if you reside on the same floor. I've had a few romances on my dorm floor and it's hard to see a person you have broken up with because your living quarters are so close.  

kellsmuneoka

Re: There's this guy...

Yeah, if you're uncomfortable just tell him to stop nicely because I've heard stories where thinks do a complete 180 and they get weird.

Titian06

Re: There's this guy...

@midnightangel & @JGSFLA are right. Tell A the truth and be firm. If you're wishy-washy, he won't take you seriously. If you play along just to keep from hurting his feelings, you will probably hurt his feelings even more because he'll feel betrayed.
midnightangel

Re: There's this guy...

Tell him the truth. It's that simple.

You will probably have to tell him over & over before it sinks in.

Don't worry about hurting him - guys don't understand anything unless it hurts them. That's how they learn. Being subtle isn't gonna cut it.

 

Rejection is part of life & if he's lived at all, he already knows this. Be honest & don't fret about it. C'est la vie.

JGSFLA

Re: There's this guy...

Awe of course it is hard to hurt someone that you care for! I would talk to him again..I would remind him that you have spoken to him about this before but that its still happening. Tell him that you do enjoy his friendship, but that's where you would like to keep it..as friends. If he continues after this, then you might after consider distancing yourself from him until he can accept what you are willing to offer. Sometimes in life we have to hurt peoples feelings in order to do what is best for ourselves. At the same time, by making this clear again, maybe he will be open to meeting someone who does want more with him. I understand that it is hard, but I know you can do it. Talk to him in a very caring, gentle, yet Firm way. Everyone has their heart broken a few times..EVERYONE..its ok. :smileyhappy:

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  • 20 replies
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    • ry22
    • lylysa
    • ilovetopurplefy
    • mafan
    • neko333
    • brennn
    • JGSFLA
    • midnightangel
    • nebel
    • wingatprsct
    • Titian06
    • CzaCee
    • ghkim
    • LKuhle
    • Meg82
    • tashalicious
    • PoesRevy
    • Emeraldlight
    • kellsmuneoka