GothGirl00

People at my school say I'm mean ...... /////. ...... *le sigh *

I don't understand why people think I'm mean if I'm just being myself. Is it because I'm an introvert? Have darker interests? Or because I dresss in all black? It's probably that and because I'm quite the honest person, I'm not sugar-coating anything, that just being a dishonest person. I guess I'll always have to deal with it since I'm always getting made fun of.

Has something like this happened to you?image.jpg

mafan

Re: People at my school say I'm mean ...... /////. ...... *le sigh *

So many people here have given you such great insight.  @emmaclaire said "Such a huge part of growing up (for everyone, regardless of age) is learning how to communicate with people even when they're mean or rude."  This is so incredibly true, and it's something that people need to continue through their lives.  Heck, I've watched my husband go from a person who always needed to be right and win every fight, especially with people who annoyed him, to someone who can give people advice on the best way to face a situation and understand what is going on with other people -- and that's between ages 34 and 44!  As @sundaespal said: "Don't do it for the popular kids, but for you. These skills will help you in the workplace in the future."

 

I was always the shy, quiet person in high school.  It's probably been 35 years and I can still remember one of the "popular" boys coming up to me and joking that one of the other boys wanted to go out with me -- and it was clearly a joke.  These things hurt.  But you know what, I never see these people.  They've probably grown up, too, and I hope they're happy in their lives.  I know that I am.  I'm smart, successful, and actually know now that I'm attractive no matter how much they made me feel like I wasn't.  High school is a wonderful time for some people and a horrible time for others.  If it's horrible for you, just remember that while it feels like your entire life right now, there is an end and many other good things lie ahead of you.  (I would never, ever, ever go back to being in high school again!)

 

I would never say that you should tell people things that are untrue just because that's what they want to hear.  But as others have said, how you tell someone the truth, and how much you tell them, matters as much as what you say. I don't think we ever get to be in situations where every person we interact with is someone that we like.  All we can control is how we deal with it.

 

I'll also say that being shy and introverted is hard but you can over time get a bit more outgoing.  Try simple things like smiling at a stranger, holding a door, telling the cashier at the store to have a nice day.  These may sound trite, but you make their day a little better, and it gets you talking to strangers in a way that has no personal stress for you and makes you seem friendly.  And it does get easier over time.

 

Good luck getting through this -- it really does get better!

sundaespal

Re: People at my school say I'm mean ...... /////. ...... *le sigh *

I think the fact you are questioning whether you are mean, worried you are too mean, is evidence that you aren't a mean seed. More likely, you aren't following social norms, and it's being misinterpreted. I get it. I was very, very shy and quiet growing up and was often accused of not liking people. That wasn't true at all. Once people got to know me, they realized that. However, I can't rely on everyone taking time to break down my walls. Now, I try to be more outgoing, well relatively at least, and I wish I'd learned better social skills at a young age. I had a tough home life that made act like a kicked puppy all the time. I'm just glad I'm able to work on it as an adult. At 32, I'm still working on it.

 

You don't need to concede that you are mean or stop being yourself in order to work on social skills and be the best you can be. If your bluntness is a problem, is someone who can help you learn to soften your approach a bit? Don't do it for the popular kids, but for you. These skills will help you in the workplace in the future.

GothGirl00

Re: People at my school say I'm mean ...... /////. ...... *le sigh *

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I feel the same, I also grew up in a .. strange house life. I only had females to talk to, one my grand,other and my own mother that I didn't see as often. I was supposed to be ' the good child ' but I only did it to please them. I am very grateful that they put up with me, now that I'm a bit older i can understand that I was a mistake.    Popular kids are the ones who piss me off the most ( :smileysad: )  I just ignore it for now.

rdesigns

Re: People at my school say I'm mean ...... /////. ...... *le sigh *

I've been out of high school for over thirty years, and even though I was bullied, the people who did it are absoluetly nothing in my life today and haven't been for decades. I don't even remember most of their names or what they looked like.  These people will most likely be of no importance to you at all in a few years time, so why not just ignore them as best you can and concentrate on more positive things that will enrich your life and further your well being? 

 

Being honest is a virtue, but it does not have to be verbally exercised with every person you encounter. Sometimes it is just best to say nothing, and if you are asked for your opinion, give it with kindness. Honesty should never be used as a hurtful weapon.

 

You seem to be letting these people have a lot of free rent in your head by constantly responding to them and then worrying about it and analyzing it later. These people do not deserve to occupy any more space in your head. Save that space for the people and things that truly matter :smileyhappy:

 

latinadiva

Re: People at my school say I'm mean ...... /////. ...... *le sigh *

 I had a similar problem in college. We always had issues that they would bail on plans or act like I wasn't around but at some point it blew up when my roommate totally ditched me for the guy she was dating/arguing insanely with and for me it was a final straw that I was constantly getting ditched and made fun of by my roommates. When I approached her to say let's talk it over, our 3rd roomamate came in and I realized that they were basically both approaching me (although it had nothing to do with the 3rd roommate) that they ditch me all the time because I was a b*tch and I was always miserable so if they had the opportunity to hang out with someone else instead of me that they would take it. I felt like it was unfair to even be said because it was never about what they did to make me upset (aka ditching me or making fun of me) only that it was ME that was the problem. I will admit I am a tough person, I've never been the person to sugar coat things. I think a friend is supposed to tell you the truth, but still not in a completely nasty way. As rough of a person as I am, I cried for ages after that. I was so hurt, I had never had anyone just insult me as a person like that. I am an introvert but that doesn't make me a bad person. I tried to I guess I'll say "be the person they wanted me to be" and it was insane how much better they treated me immediately. It literally became that I would just nod and smile and laugh at everything they said. But I found that I just didn't feel like myself and I shouldn't have to be someone different for them. I similarly was broken up with just before the summer for the qualities that make me an introvert (hilarity being that he is as much an introvert as I am). I was too quite, too shy, didn't talk enough, didn't make plans enough, I seemed like I was miserable when I was out with friends. It got to the point that he would dictate how I should (yes should) have answered a question that a friend asked me. He would literally bring up conversations that happened MONTHS prior to say "well when so and so asked you blah blah question you should have said this" or bring up specific moments where it was "well you did this but you should have done that." I felt like that just brought up all of the stuff I had to deal with in college. It is just having someone CRAP all over who you are as a person. Even to this day now, I hesitate talking to someone. The few times I've even spoken to my ex since I now think about everything that comes out of my mouth...am I talking enough? Am I keeping up conversation enough? Am I speaking loud enough? It just has gotten to be too much. Way too long of a story short, I truly feel your pain. It is really frustrating to have people attack who you are as a person especially when you don't feel that is the person you are. And it gets more frustrating when people try to tell you "how you are" when only you know that. "Well you look miserable" Okay my mistake how should I be looking to assure you that I'm not miserable? It is SO FRUSTRATING. I hope things get better for you <3

1cros3nail4givn

Re: People at my school say I'm mean ...... /////. ...... *le sigh *

You can be completely honest and still say things with love. You don't even have to "sugar coat" it to can say it plain and honest but it's going to be your attitude in how you say it that makes it mean or nice. Be nice with your attitude tell them the truth if they need to know the truth but say it in a voice that says "I'm telling you because I care" if you don't care about them and you are just saying things in anger or in an attacking manner well that's the time not to reply to them at all

 

I keep things honest just like I'm going to keep it honest with you. Evaluate your words keep them truthful but don't reply to someone unless your words are in love. Sadly search deep in everything you do. I really hate to say it but most of the time when you have ALOT of problems with MULTIPLE people it's most likely something you are doing. However that's not always true. But it's wise to evaluate why you are saying something before you say it.

GothGirl00

Re: People at my school say I'm mean ...... /////. ...... *le sigh *

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It's mostly the popular kids I guess....... The one's who laugh and say fumble names when I walbuy but can't even get a better score than 80% in a quiz. I guess I am a little insensitive but that's just how I've grown up lately

MoreGun89

Re: People at my school say I'm mean ...... /////. ...... *le sigh *

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Consider the popular kids and the norm of what happens to them AFTER school.  This is the best time of most their lives!  They don't know how to evolve socially outside of this environment for the most part, which further impedes their success in the future.  As for quizzes and stuff, All I can do is stress studystudystudy, make it fun for you :smileyhappy:  The tools are there, talk to your teachers, read the textbooks, if you invest at LEAST 1-2 hours study time after you get home each night, improvements will start happening.  If you have any people in your social group who is book smart, maybe study with them, sometimes asking questions can help, or if someone else is struggling you will have to explain things to them, which requires you to understand the material,and therefore learn.  In the worst case talk to the teacher and have them walk you through it, especially the basics, without basics it's only going to get more difficult :smileyhappy:

1cros3nail4givn

Re: People at my school say I'm mean ...... /////. ...... *le sigh *

oh okay gotcha. Some people just tend to think they are better than the rest of the world when it's so untrue. We are all equal. I still wouldn't reply though because people like that want to know they effected you they want reactions to go laugh about later but if you don't say or do anything then what can they do? Getting no bad reaction will confuse them and irritate them that they are getting no reaction and they'll get bored and move on. Just like @emmaclaire said an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. So just ignore them. 

kellsmuneoka

Re: People at my school say I'm mean ...... /////. ...... *le sigh *

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If they don't respect you why should you respect them??

1cros3nail4givn

Re: People at my school say I'm mean ...... /////. ...... *le sigh *

Why stoop down to their level?

kellsmuneoka

Re: People at my school say I'm mean ...... /////. ...... *le sigh *

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It's not stooping down, it's treating them how they treat you. Sometimes you can take the high road or give them a taste of their own medicine because they could still bother you even if you ignore them.

1cros3nail4givn

Re: People at my school say I'm mean ...... /////. ...... *le sigh *

I personally believe you should treat everyone the way you want to be treated. You don't have to be everyone's friend however. I think it's best to show them you don't care by not even reacting to what they say. In my experience they get bored and move to messing with someone else. In that case I'd probably defend that person though.

emmaclaire

Re: People at my school say I'm mean ...... /////. ...... *le sigh *

Because you'll never get past a 12 year old mentality with that kind of attitude.  Feel free to disregard people who blatantly disrespect you, and never waste your time on jerks, but don't stoop to their level and "dish it out" just because you think someone disrespected you.  Such a huge part of growing up (for everyone, regardless of age) is learning how to communicate with people even when they're mean or rude.  If you MUST be around someone who has hurt you, you need to learn how to be the better person and stop the cycle - otherwise you're just contributing to the negativity in the world instead of trying to create a positive change.

sugarkenzie

Re: People at my school say I'm mean ...... /////. ...... *le sigh *

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Thank you for articulating this much better than I ever could.  I wish someone said this to me when I was younger.

itscarin

Re: People at my school say I'm mean ...... /////. ...... *le sigh *

I agree.  As I've gotten older I realized that the problem wasn't with everyone else, it was me.  If everyone thinks you act a certain way, then you're acting a certain way.  You can choose to disregard the feedback, or you can decide that's not how you want to be perceived and try to modify your behavior. 

 

Nobody expects you to change overnight, but if people have told you you're mean, you might want to think about why people think you're mean.  It sounds like the problem has been identified -- the girl "doesn't sugarcoat things" aka is blunt.  Now is her chance to take a step back and start thinking before she says things.

 

As far as being goth goes, do whatever you like.  Just remember that a lot of people are afraid of different and be prepared for them to react to that. 

nebel

Re: People at my school say I'm mean ...... /////. ...... *le sigh *

Brava, emmaclaire! "An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind"

emmaclaire

Re: People at my school say I'm mean ...... /////. ...... *le sigh *

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So true, and one of my favorite sayings! <3

beautytester

Re: People at my school say I'm mean ...... /////. ...... *le sigh *

[ Edited ]

then the one eyed man will be the king!

=P

...

wait, I'm not helping am I? ok I'm going to sleep.

emmaclaire

Re: People at my school say I'm mean ...... /////. ...... *le sigh *

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Hahaha this was a much needed bit of brevity in such a serious thread, I appreciate it!

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