iknowitstoday

Mother In Laws

I have been dating my boyfriend since I was 18 five years later and realizing that she will most likely be part of my life FOOOOREVVVVVVER I was wondering how many of you A) love your MIL or B) can't stand her and why.

 

My mom passed away over 10 years ago and always thought that a boyfriends mom would be someone I could have girly fun with (it was just my dad and me) BUT it never happened and this current MIL if her son wasn't so amazing I would probably not even bother with it. (he wasn't raised by her for a lot of his life) She is just so selfish and feels such entitlement and that not only does her son owe her whatever she wants jewelry money and what not BUT that I owe her she comes over to my house and helps herself to food, wine and helps herself to things like toilet paper, paper towel, my makeup and jewelry. My boyfriend is starting to get better about confronting her about her crappy attitude but she crocodile tears and her "since i'm not welcome i'm never coming back" guilt trips make us both feel terrible (I know that times with parents are fleeting and don't want to deny my boyfriend from that time even though it is her hatefulness that is poisoning the relationship! 

 

I'm sorry to ramble on but I just can't respect a woman that chooses her husbands over her child (since he was 7) 

 

Anyone have any thought of how i can make it better or at least more tolerable??

spedteacher74

Re: Mother In Laws

My husband was born and raised in another country, so I don't have in laws around.  However, I can say this woman's behavior is not acceptable.  She should not and cannot continue to "help herself" to things in your home.  Its one thing to have family go in the fridge and help themselves to some food or drink, but toilet paper?  Really?  I think this is a sign of much bigger issues she has that are hers and manifest themselves onto others.  Be strong and firm and set boundaries, but also continue to be loving and kind.  Its so difficult a situation.  When you marry, you not only marry your husband, but also family, friends, and work.  Possibly a "sit down" establishing some ground rules would be good with you and your boyfriend.  Your always welcome, in our home, but not to our things.

Panda168

Re: Mother In Laws

(0) Hearts

I agree. The helping herself to iknowitstoday's toiletries, make up and other personal items is really weird and unsettling.  

Panda168

Re: Mother In Laws

[ Edited ]
(0) Hearts

My biological mother, and some other members of her side of the family, is similar to that. I think the thing to realize is that you shouldn't take her behavior personally. It really is her own issue, which she won't see as an issue. It's not something that you or your partner can change unfortunately. I have learned to deal with my mother in my own way because if I didn't I would go crazy. I almost forgot to add that my furture MIL is a sweetheart and incredibly considerate. The world's funny like that and I suppose it could be considered balance-- Yin and Yang. 

 

Also, I think the hardest part is coming to terms with the fact that there are people like that out there and they're going to be in your life regularly. I hope everything works out for the best with you and your MIL <3.

 

iknowitstoday

Re: Mother In Laws

I cannot tell you how comforting it is to know that there are other people have a hard time and knowing that I am not alone! I am beyond lucky to have ladies like you to be my sounding board because there are things that you sometimes cannot say to people that are also close to the situation. Thanks.

annekevdb

Re: Mother In Laws

Ok - well, I think the ball mostly needs to be in your boyfriend's court for dealing with his mother. His mother = his problem. It is unacceptable for her to steal things or come over and do her grocery shopping in your pantry. He, not you,  needs to address this with her.  If he can't or won't - then that will likely negatively impact the relationship between the two of you. I don't advocate going to her house and taking your things back (like the toilet paper or whatever). Your boyfriend needs to confront her on the behavior, get your things back, and put some serious limits on the relationship. E.g. she can only come to the house when you are both there, she can't remove things from your house, she isn't allowed in the bedroom or master bathroom, etc. and it is up to your boyfriend to enforce this with his mother. IMO because you are an "outsider" to that relationship it isn't likely to be very successful if you try to make or set rules for her.

makeupmaven

Re: Mother In Laws

[ Edited ]

Yep, and he should confront her about this. Why is she doing this? Obviously to make inknownitstoday feel uncomfortable, there's no other reason.

sowazupb

Re: Mother In Laws

I think that people forget that in laws are just people that have children. You are married or dating their child and really that is it. There is little you can force your significant other to do, but if I was in that situation I would not allow her in my home. Period. She would not be welcome if she is willing to steal from you. Will she stop stealing and emotional abuse? I hope so. 

I also want to say that my in laws are wonderful, nurturing and so friendly! It isn't impossible to have good in laws. 

ghkim

Re: Mother In Laws

i have to say that i won the lottery in the MIL department. mine is fantastic - easy to talk to, doesnt expect anything, fun to be around, bought me a $150 sephora GC for my birthday!

 

just out of curiosity, is she from a different culture/background? sometimes this can make understanding where she's coming from even more difficult. regardless, taking things from your house is really shady and using your makeup is where i seriously draw the line. your boyfriend definitely needs to intervene here, as he has. and i suggest you go to her house instead of her coming to yours, as much as possible. i would take others' advice and lock up your personal stuff. and if she continues to take your toilet paper and wine, visit her house and take it back, and then some. i'm sorry you are going through this, but i have to warn you that it will only get worse if you dont **bleep** this in the bud - just wait till you have a wedding and then kids. that's when MILs tend to be at their worst.

Candy357

Re: Mother In Laws

(0) Hearts

That sucks I'm sorry you have to deal with that!

If you love him, you have to really tolerate and I guess ignore her.

Lock your personal items up. Make it a habit, I know huge pain but do it.

 

I pick C, she died a long time ago, never met her.

 

Kiki1517

Re: Mother In Laws

Oh no that's scary. My MIL has grown on me, but I don't think I'm anywhere near having to lock her out (because she's in Mexico hehe). I think the biggest thing just comes down to cultural differences. She's very much stuck in her opinion that women should only be worried about raising children and taking care of their husbands (all of which I do a very good job of but also work and go to school). Everytime I re-enroll in school, her opinion is that I am just wasting her son's money (although we are not married so I get full financial aid and somehow she doesn't see that she has never worked a day in her life, being the oldest, my boyfriend has paid all of her living expenses since he was 17!) She's a very nice person overall, I just feel because of the snide little comments over the years that she would have preferred her son to be with a hispanic girl who shares the same values and mindset, what she doesn't realize is that she raised her son in the US and he doesn't think the same way (win for me!) I think after 11 years it's obvious I'm not going anywhere so she has no choice but to accept me now :smileytongue:

Now if we go on to the stories about my own mother, we would be here forever, she is even worse...

wingatprsct

Re: Mother In Laws

[ Edited ]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with a not-so-great MIL.  I didn't know mine, but had to deal with my EX-Step-MIL.  My father's husband remarried and I never knew his mom whom everyone says was lovely.  My EX-step-mil was nothing like yours but my husband, his family, and I had to tolerate her less than caring attitude for our family, only for his dad's sake.  Now that he is gone, we have NOTHING to do with her.  THANK GOD!!!!

 

You have to make an ultimate decision.  Are you going to let her continue to steal your personal items that you have worked hard for?  If you choose "no," it will not be pretty, but it must be done.  You will also jeopardize your relationship with your boyfriend which I'm sure is the reason you haven't done so by now.  It WILL come to this decision, the sooner the better.  Your boyfriend should back you up, if he won't stand up and be the enforcer.

 

She definitely has issues.  I guess we all do, but some more than others.  You will have to assure her that she is welcome in your home, but not to your things and when she can abide by those rules, she is welcome.  This needs to be done before she comes to your house, not after she's there - that would only escalate the issue.  This must be dealt with or your relationship with your boyfriend will only continue to deteriorate because of this issue.  Or as someone else suggested......move FAR, FAR, AWAY!

 

Again, my sympathies for you having to deal with this issue when this should be a wonderful time in both of your lives and for not having a relationship with your MIL that could have been a beautiful thing.  Stay strong and stand up for yourself.  If you don't, who will?

midnightangel

Re: Mother In Laws

[ Edited ]

Anyone who stole my property would not be welcome in my house EVER again no matter who they were. I would demand she return the property.

If she refuses, you have 4 choices: 1. steal back your stolen property covertly at the first opportunity, 2. go over to her house and take it back by force, 3. file a police report, or 4. do nothing and keep letting her take you for a fool.

 

Diplomacy doesn't work for people who are used to getting their way all the time. They are used to manipulating people to get what they want. They need a harsh wakeup call.

What she's doing is not only immoral, it's illegal. Bottom line.

 

You need to let this psycho know that while she may be used to manipulating her son, she CANNOT manipulate you.

 

If your boyfriend objects to you standing up for yourself and protecting your rights and your property, dump him. Deep down he knows his mother is wrong and he should not fault you for standing up to her even if he can't.

 

Another thing to consider - if your husband is so easily manipulated by his mother, he can be manipulated by anyone. Do you really want someone who is so weak that he cannot defend himself or you when necessary?

This guy probably needs some therapy (granted not half so much therapy as his mother needs) before you consider making this a permanent situation for yourself.

 

Right now you haven't signed any papers and there's no ring on your finger. Take the whole picture into consideration before anything changes. The stresses in your relationship don't just magically disappear when you get married - they only get worse.

 

Personally I've found that the best way to get rid of a rotten mother-in-law is to get rid of her rotten son. :smileylol:

makeupmaven

Re: Mother In Laws

[ Edited ]

My husband's mom is has a narcissistic personality (sort of along the lines of Livia Soprano, but she talks in a fake sweet voice). He doesn't like her since she left his dad for another man when we was 12 (and left his family, this is after his dad put her helped get started as an insurance agent). She has her own issues, but he never liked her, and yet gave her a chance to redeem herself.

 

She also treated my brother-in-law's wife terribly, even while she was recovering from cancer. They put up with her, but it's obvious that this woman does not want her sons to love anyone more than her. She also doesn't accept my sister-in-law being a lesbian. She hides behind "religion" rather than embodying love, which is what any type of spirituality is really about.

 

Perhaps if she'd really apologized/ come clean regarding what she did, he could have forgiven her. But she's just a gold digger, cares more about appearances than being a good person.

 

Too long of a story, but after we'd been living together many years (before we got married), she tried to get him to choose between her and me. He chose me! They don't speak anymore...I don't blame him. She's never going to change. She was not invited to our wedding. It sucks because I'd like him to have a good mother, but he doesn't. His dad is awesome though, we are visiting him in Thailand!

Panda168

Re: Mother In Laws

(0) Hearts

Sounds like my mom and her side of the family. At least none of us are alone and are becoming stronger people because of it.

bvnny

Re: Mother In Laws

Whoah, you described my MIL perfectly. Down to how she treats her daughter and the religious + fake voice behavior. Except we visit his dad out of state, not out of country. Hugs

iknowitstoday

Re: Mother In Laws

Benny you hit the nai. On the head it is like you KNOW her! (Über "religious"  and the fake voice ugh!

makeupmaven

Re: Mother In Laws

She's a toxic person. Not even worth it to try to deal with her!

waterbaby1981

Re: Mother In Laws

(0) Hearts

wait, she takes your JEWELRY?  If anyone that was at my house ever took my jewelry I'd be pissed.  Especially since I have a nickel allergy so I can't wear anything but real jewelry and some of said jewelry was my grandmother's, who also had a nickel allergy and passed away in 2010.  Those have sentimental value other than just monetary. 

 

Nice of her to think you owe her.  You owe her nothing and neither does he.  As for the guilt trip?  When I worked in retail I found that most people that told me that were usually back if not a few days then a week later.

jennjenn123

Re: Mother In Laws

(0) Hearts

I have fantastic in-laws and have made the 7 hour trip to visit them several times without my hubby.  My mother-in-law promised to be nicer to me than her mother-in-law was to her.  However, it's certainly easier to visit them than for them to come to our place.  She doesn't do anything horrible like yours, but let's just say I'm not a fastidious housekeeper, which she notices and comments on, repeatedly.

 

If I were you, I'd lock your bedroom with your make-up and jewelry in it. Maybe claim it's such a mess you can't bear for her to see it. Or with make-up, tell her you had a horrible eye infection and she shouldn't use it. Be on your last roll of paper towels and toilet paper.  (Actually, that makes me nervous - hide the extra toilet paper in your locked room.  I never want to not have an extra roll of TP!)  Hide the wine too.  There's not anything you can do about refridgerated food, but move your favorite cookies and crackers somewhere else.  I was with my guy for years before I was let in on where his mother kept her stash of chocolate.  Also, conveniently be broke every time she visits.

 

Of course this pretty much only works if you have advance notice.  Please tell me she doesn't have a key.  If she does, ask your landlord to change the locks. 

DTalksAll

Re: Mother In Laws

When she takes things from your house have you tried making a joke like "One of these days I'l send you a bill for shopping in my house" or "I didn't realize my house was a fee supermarket"? Then when she turns on the water works explain to her that you do want her around, but don't understand why she needs to take your stuff. Let her know that you work hard for what you have & it's difficult for you to support her when she couldn't support your boyfriend in the past. 

Another option... move farther away from her. 

 

All I know is every MIL is crazy LOL! 

MY boyfriend's mom drives me nuts! She's been through a lot & is a really sweat lady, but she's bat **** crazy. Loves conspiracies, has a strong view on how the world should be, likes to be isolated, and hates change. 

It frustrates my boyfriend a lot too, but we've learned to just accept her the way she is. Sure we'll get into arguments, but we also pick & choose what information we disclose with her. 

Advanced
You must be signed in to add attachments
Conversation Stats
  • 41 replies
  • 634 views
  • 92 hearts
  • 25 in conversation
    • makeupmaven
    • DTalksAll
    • spoiledbrat
    • arielaaaaaaaa
    • waterbaby1981
    • mafan
    • missjr
    • bvnny
    • iknowitstoday
    • miabt
    • spedteacher74
    • sowazupb
    • garnett
    • lolo01
    • midnightangel
    • wingatprsct
    • warriorwitch
    • Candy357
    • Panda168
    • jennjenn123
    • Kiki1517
    • jaimelove
    • annekevdb
    • ghkim
    • lovebird411