nixi

I need some man advice.

[ Edited ]

Haha, I realize this is a beauty community but I got great advice on my last OT post so I thought I might try here again... 

 

I'm dating this guy that I met on OkCupid and I find him unbelievably attractive. He's a lawyer (not an insanely rich one, but he does well) and we have a similar sense of humor, etc. He normally doesn't date girls under 23 (He's 28, I'm 21) but since we got on so well online, we agreed to meet in person, a friendly date, just to see what happened...

Girrrrrll....lol.

Ever since then we've been having a REALLY good time. I haven't seriously dated before, as in I've never been in a serious relationship/had a real boyfriend for more than two weeks, so I'm sort of new to this whole thing. I've just never found anyone in my location that i really hit it off with. My romantic life has always been limited to casual dating, most of the guys being in my age range. So this is the first relationship with a guy that I've had that has actually clicked and felt promising (on both ends)!

The problem: He's older. He's more successful compared to moi, a dirt poor college student. He's sarcastic, snarky, and he's a lot more mature than I am. He can be critical, sometimes on the borderline of being mean. Not in an abusive way, but more in an honest, no sugar coating way. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't like...take me seriously, you know? Like he just thinks I'm some dumb kid. I realize it is probably not the truth, since he is choosing to date me and he obviously thinks I'm worth spending time with and pursuing... but maybe it's just me that feels like I'm playing grown up? Sometimes I just detect snark from him and I start feeling like i'm just embarrassingly immature, if that makes sense... maybe it's just my insecurity showing? 

 

Other problems: He's an anti-love angry marriage hater. (Isn't that the way Katherine Heigl worded it in 27 Dresses?) he claims not to love anyone, isn't interested in being in love and never wants to get married. He says he has been in relationship, his longest lasting three and a half years. The only reason why it stopped working was that she hated the fact that they were in an open-relationship; she just couldn't deal with the fact that he was openly seeing other women and did not want to fully commit to just her.

They lived together as well. I asked him why he chose to live with her and even be semi-exclusive- why be in a relationship with someone if you want to openly see other people and want her to as well? Why not just date and not be in a relationship?

That comment above really makes him sound like a jerk... but honestly he is one of the most honest people that i've ever met. He doesn't lie and he always says what he's thinking, and he is very honest about what he wants. It's just a little...intimidating.

 

Right now we're having a lot of fun. My problem is that I'm falling for him a little bit. When he texts me, I still get really nervous and i get butterflies in my stomach. We've been talking and doing this whole thing for months and I still get really excited to see him. It's hard because I know the way he feels about love and relationships. I want to keep seeing him, but it's tough not letting myself fall for him. I don't want to fall in line with his old girlfriends who tried to change him, got angry that he wouldn't commit, etc. So in spite of that, I find myself doing everything I can NOT to be like them. I pay for dates as much as I can, I don't nag him, I don't text him every five minutes to ask where he is... I just find myself doing everything I can not to alienate him and repeat behaviors of his past girlfriends. I'm honestly not trying to get him to love me... I just find myself wanting to please him and that is confusing.


This post is all over the place, but basically, I'm not sure if I should continue with him. While we're having fun right now, I'm concerned that I might want more from him in the future, ie: living together, wanting something more exclusive, etc. Presently everything is perfect & we're enjoying the honeymoon period, but I'm just afraid I will get attached to him and then in the end be hurt. But he is a man set in his ways and I don't for a milisecond think that I can change that, nor do I want to...


So should I just continue on or cut him loose? It's finals week here at my university and I'm pretty stressed out. This is not making it any better!

lylysa

Re: I need some man advice.

Thanks @ Kssweetheart!

 

Yeah, team us with our long posts :smileytongue:

 

And to Nixi, we most definitely are not just raging or coming down on you, we're giving you our honest opinions and advice based on what you have told us.

 

I know you appreciate honesty, and like I said before, I don't think we're telling you anything you don't know or don't feel already, you just need to know you're not alone in your feelings and that you have support to do the right thing, even if the right things is the hard thing. I remember speaking with you before in your last OT thread about your clingy, selfish friend, and you appreciating all the words said to you not just from myself, but from others in this forum. So it's with that same sentiment that we respond to your post here and now.

 

Do not feel discouraged or lacking in any means for getting involved in this type of situation, it's how we learn, and it's very smart for you to reach out and seek the advice of others rather than stay silent. I whole heartedly believe that finding a healthy relationship starts with forming one with yourself first. I know you're a smart girl, because if not, you wouldn't have posted anything, we're here to back you up 100% girly. Go with your gut instinct, trust your intuition, if something is off about a guy, trust yourself. Know that though you may "miss out" on some things, you'll also save and spare yourself from a whole lot too that is unnecessary. Just like I told you in your friend OT thread, you need to look out for YOU. Take care of you, don't let anyone make you feel less than what you are regardless of how cool someone may come across, how great the sex is, or how much fun things can be for the meanwhile. Once the glamour and shine wears off, reality rears its head and you'll see this situation for what it is.

 

I give you advice because we all learn and take into account experiences from friends, family, loved ones, and our own lives, I want to apply what I know to what you have going on so you can be one step ahead and do better for you!

 

<3

lowrah

Re: I need some man advice.

I can't really add anything new to this discussion, it's already been said, and perfectly so. The age gap isn't bad at all, but this guy sounds like a serious loser. Run fast and don't look back.

lylysa

Re: I need some man advice.

[ Edited ]

Oh, and as far as your friends who tell you to stick with it and "see where it goes", I can tell you where it's going to go....NOWHERE!

 

You let a guy get away with being mean/boarderline cruel in any way and he'll continue to think it's fine to treat you as such. Any guy who is a true man doesn't and shouldn't have to speak ill or condescending to any woman he is with, regardless of strings or no strings.

 

If you don't stand up for yourself and put in a change of things, no one is going to do it for you. He's not going to wake up one day and decide to be a perfect gentleman and be super considerate and sensitive to your feelings, why? Because he doesn't even respect any sanctity of a relationship! He speaks about having a female companion in a crude manner, he makes you feel insecure, he's not building you up in any way, he's crushing you.

 

This isn't some "50 Shades of Grey" world where the guy is trying to make you blossom by beating you down emotionally and rebuilding you, this is just a sad, pathetic excuse of a guy who doesn't need to be with anyone until he can get his act together.

 

Besides, just because he's agreeing to go out on dates does not mean he's the one pursuing you. You stated you pay for dates, cover dinner, you're the one to reach out to him, face facts, honey, you're pursuing him! And frankly, while you may be on the hunt and actively pursuing him, he's just a dog that doesn't want to be caught! Stop putting all the work into something that isn't going to pay off and be beneficial to you, the sex may be great, but if it comes at the price of all this, it's not worth it.

nixi

Re: I need some man advice.

"He's not going to wake up one day and decide to be a perfect gentleman and be super considerate and sensitive to your feelings, why? Because he doesn't even respect any sanctity of a relationship!"

Agreed. He's not. And I KNOW better than that. I'm not totally adrift. I'm def smarter than all of this. He's just a first for me in a lot of eays and I got way too caught up in it. He's not sensitive to ANYONE'S feelings. He's doing the same crap he did in past relationships. I'm just so frustrated with him, the situation, and myself.

I know he's not going to change. I'm just so bummed about, you know?

kssweetheart

Re: I need some man advice.

[ Edited ]

@nixi - Ohhhhhhh Yes! I know for sure how you feel. I spent a lot of lonely tear-filled Baskin-Robbins filled nights. It's gonna take a while to get over it, through it and past it. It's a shame that this had to happen to you, or anyone. But, they say that this is part of how you're formed and who you become and what your life is like. First of all, I wanna' know who the hell the above-mentioned "THEY" are. Are THEY men? Always wondered about that.

But it's true, you will grow and learn from this, it's just lousy that you have to go through all of this, However, I like to think that this experience, with this slime-ball may help you avoid something even worse in the future. It won't be easy, you'll wanna go back, I'll be hoping and praying that you'll have the will power not to, even if he was actually the one who called you. I'd be suspicious that he didn't have someone or something lined up for that night so why not call on you. That just makes him a slimey,low-down skunk of a caveman who knows how to use a phone! Please try to be strong and not go anywhere. You deserve a decent man. The fact that you revealed your Schizophrenia to us and to him was brave, I'm SO proud of you, that couldn't have been easy. The fact that you laid something so personal out of your heart about yourself and he treated you the way he did is unfathomable, I wish I knew him so I could kick his butt (my condom covered foot, of course)straight back to whereever it came from/should be. I wonder how he was raised. If only his parents knew what a creep he is.

 .

Hang in there, and come back to us anytime you need to. Sorry I've been out of touch lately, only popping on for really brief periods, but I've been keeping my eye on your posts, I know I have another that I want to respond to. One final thing, I don't know the numbers, but there are tons of people with schizophrenia and other mental illnesses who can/do have successful relationships. You could pass 10 people on the way to Starbucks and never know they had any issue. You just need the right combo of meds, therapy (if you're doing that *might be a good idea if you're not, after what this pea brain has put you through) the right friends and the right guy, you just have to wait. I hate to make this sound judgementally, but.......close the factory, if you know what I mean. That's what's gonna weed out the guys who are looking for a quick fix, or 2, or 3.... But, if he's willing to wait, then you have a contender. I mentioned in an earlier post that there are other ways to 'take care of business' for lack of a better terminology, look into that, it could hold you over and make it easier to say NO to a guy too quickly. Hope that helps. I mean that I don't mean I hope it helps just THAT, but I hope it helps everything, overall. You are so much better than him and probably some other guys too. Be good to yourself and take care of you. I'll keep my eyes posted for updates, and I'm glad you did it before break.

BTW, I wrote a note to one of your posts, it was absolutely brilliant, if I do say so myself and then something went all wonky and it was Gone **cry-cry** No, really, and I was just about to hit send. I was so annoyed and didn't have it in me to write another, this was in response to your post re your mental illness and his A _ _hole-illnessI. Maybe it wasn't the right post at the right time, who knows? But, we're here for you. I hope you have a wonderful holiday, it may not be as wonderful as you'd like, but atleast that burden has been somewhat lifted. Don't give him the chance to ruin one more day for you. I do hope you can find a bit of joy & happiness, :smileyhappy: :smileyhappy: :smileyhappy:

 

lylysa

Re: I need some man advice.

[ Edited ]

Let me give you a break down:

 

1. You're not exclusive with him, in other words you guys are not boyfriend/girlfriend, there is no commitment to one another, there are no formal strings attached, and since physical relations have already started, this means he's already locked into the mode of being comfortable with getting some from a girl he doesn't have to make a girlfriend or tie himself to.

 

In other words, he's never going to "girlfriend" you. You already stated he's anti-love and seems pretty against commitment, and granted sex isn't the sum of a relationship, but it's a part that as cliche as it sounds, is a big factor. You've already given it up without having him work work it/commit to it, so what you've basically told him is, "Yes, we can sleep together without us being anything more, regardless of what I may want."

 

It seems you actually are out there looking for a relationship, and this guy is just out there to be out there. He's not looking to settle down, be in a commited relationship, etc. If you are already acting like a couple by going on dates, spending time together, sleeping together, without actually BEING a couple/together, what makes you think he's going to want to suddenly slap a lable on it and call it official when he's already getting all that without those strings?

 

2. You mention the "Friends with Benefits" thing, but look at that phrase...the first word is "Friends", are you honestly even friends with this guy? In other words, take away the sex, the happening of meeting through a dating website, and ask yourself, would you be friends with this guy? You mention taking a notice of his comments and how they affect you and make you second guess your nature, would you really have or keep a friend around like that? He's making you self conscious, why have a "friend" like that? There's a difference between a FWB and someone who you're attracted to and sleep with.

 

3. Think of it like this, if you had a friend going through the same situation you are and she asked you for advice, knowing what you know, what would you tell her? I mean sure the guy sounds good on paper and I'm sure he's not some complete scumbag, but the fact that he has no filter in terms of having or showing an sensitivities in what he says around you to you and that he blatantly states he's the type that doesn't commit. It seems like this is the type of guy who if he can keep getting a good thing for free he's going to take it, no matter where it's coming from. The fact that his last "relationship" didn't work because the chick didn't want it to be an open relationship anymore seems like it's going to stick with whatever he carries on for quite a while. Ask yourself, are you okay with being or even committing yourself to someone who won't give you the same respect or commitment in return? Are you okay with the fact that this guy at any point could turn to you and go, "Oh yeah, I'm also seeing someone else because you and I aren't exclusive"? And if that's the case, have you considered your health is also on the line. Not to get preachy, but I hope you are practicing safe sex. I'm not one to tell people to or not to have sex, but I am an advocate of protecting oneself and watching our for oneself. This guy won't commit, so what makes you think you're the only girl he keeps around in the bedroom? Don't let his actions of being noncommitted affect you and your health.

 

This guy owes you nothing, think about, he's not your boyfriend, he's not your fiance, he's not your husband, he's a guy you enjoy, have fun with, and sleep with. And unfortunately, just because you share laughs, dates, or a bed doesn't mean he's yours.

 

Him being "honest" and him being a jerk are two totally different things. Just because he speaks candidly and is unabashed doesn't necessarily make him a bad person, but if what he says are things you take offense to, upset you, or again, make you question or doubt yourself and your character, there's no need to be around him. Being honest is him coming right out and saying, "Look, we may be having fun, but I want you to know I'm not looking to be with anyone exclusively, I want to make sure you know we can see if we're on the same page to continue this or not" is different from him being a jerk, which is him drilling into your head that he's anti-love, anti-marriage, anti-being in a relationship, that he was with a chick because "hey it was nice to get a BJ from time to time". This guy has no respect for any woman he is with. If he's no blase about that chick, can you imagine how he refers to you?

 

Don't let his older, more domineering nature trample over you and your self respect. If you don't stand up for yourself and command respect and the proper presence he sure as heck is not going to give it to you. What's sad is, I'm sure if you tell him you have to call things off because you require more from whoever you're with, he probably won't even let it affect him. I'm not saying this should deter you, but don't expect any grandious reaction from him. Don't make it about him, stand up to him and call things off because they're not healthy or condusive to what you want, not because you want to hurt him or get a rise out of him.

 

Again, not to sound preachy, but you're young. If you decide you just want to have fun and have a casual fling with someone, do it with a decent person at least, not some older, wannabe, know it all who makes you too scared or nervous to speak up.
Look at how many times you've jumped to his defense or have brough up a good point but then counteracted it in the next sentence about this guy. YOU KNOW IT'S NOT HEALTHY WHAT YOU HAVE GOING ON!


He sure as heck isn't going to pull the plug on this, why is he? He's getting laid without the strings attached, you on the other hand, though you may be enjoying parts of it, you're torn enough to ask us for advice, meaning you need confirmation of the feelings you already know are present in your gut but are still tentative to act.

 

What's there to lose? It's not like you're never going to meet another guy again! Besides, the sooner you drop this worthless piece of garbage, the faster you can move on to being a better and happier you, and who knows, meet someone decent!

kssweetheart

Re: I need some man advice.

[ Edited ]

@lylysa - well said. I especially liked the "Friends With Benefits" comment. If you take away the sex, is there anything left in this relationship? I feel if she said I want a commitment and the 'Factory' is closed until I know for certain that there's nobody else, I think he'd say 'fine, see ya' and move on to the next. He is so draining all of her power  (had a better adjective to put there but I lost it! Hate that!) and taking so much from her, he's taking things and leaving her with bad things that she wont even recognize until somewhere down the road.(been there!!) He's doing real damage. A lot of us have been there (for me - a bit different and nowhere near that extreme, nothing like that  - I thought I got a raw deal but that was nothing compared to this,)

 

I hope nixi doesn't think we're talking about her and ragging on her like she's a stupid idiot blah- blah -blah. We're most definitely not, it's just more like a bunch of girlfriends getting together, with and trying to help her straighten this all out. I'm so sorry and feel so awful. She's unfortunately fallen in lust and into a giant web with an evil spider preying on her.

 

I hope all of our talk isn't overwhelming.

 

BTW, thanks lylysa for writing a ginormous post like mine, it makes me feel so much better that it's not always just me going on and on. I just think we all feel so passionate about this. Very good advice on your part. Wish I could give you a lot more than a single heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

prettyinpa

Re: I need some man advice.

Eloquently put, lylysa!  Grandma used to say "Why would a guy buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?" Still applies.

lylysa

Re: I need some man advice.

@Prettyinpa, EXACTTTTLY!

 

It sounds cliche, but it's a tried and true statement. Why is someone going to pay, when you're giving it away for free?

 

Nixi, put value into who you are. Carry yourself with the highest esteem and respect and others will see that's how you're meant to be treated!

russianblue

Re: I need some man advice.

He is telling the truth. He wont change. He will continue to be a cheating jerk. Cut him loose before you get treated like his last girlfriend. Or worse get pregnant by accident.
dolceloure

Re: I need some man advice.

Hi Nixi,

 

I might be reiterating a bit from the above posts...but I agree with the others and think it might be best to turn around and walk away!

 

When you started describing him, my initial reaction was, "he sounds like a douche. But I enjoy douches...." but then mentioning this whole thing with being against exclusive relationships, the whole wanting to come home to someone who's going to cook him meals and pleasure him while he watches tv...just made me mad!! As someone who recently ended a similar relationship, I just want to say that you're entitled to your feelings, and if you feel unsatisfied with what he has to offer/what he can't offer, then you shouldn't have to settle for it.

 

I will veer towards another opinion on one point: while it might feel like he's significantly older than you, I don't think there's *that* much of a difference. I'm 27 and I can say with absolute certainty that most 28 year old guys aren't quite done growing up in terms of emotionally maturity (it actually makes me a little sad, lol, as a grad student...seeing guys my age+ acting no different from my undergrad students...) I think it's actually quite possible that he can mature, change his mind and realize his whole marriage-hating thing was unfounded and that he might actually want to be in a committed relationship.

 

Buuuuut....I wouldn't hold my breath for him.

 

I'd tell him that unless he plans on going through similar character transformations found in the male leads of popular rom-coms, he needs to take a hike.

rsquared

Re: I need some man advice.

Something tells me you won't take the advice, but I'm with the others-- Run.Like.The.Wind.

sephoramusthave

Re: I need some man advice.

Even though you think you might be totally lost, I think that you already know the answer to your own question. It sounds like you are a relationship person and you want someone to be committed to you, so this guy is not the man for you. He sounds like a jerk, a person can be honest without being mean and he doesnt give a da*mn about your feelings. The types of guys that make you feel insecure about yourself and make you feel less of a person are the ones you have to run from. And dont confuse sex with love. I know so many girls that dont fall in love until AFTER they have sex. A temporary satisfation in bed is not worth losing your self confidence over. Worry about finals first, and then think about what kind of girl you really are: One that wants to be in a commited relationship or one that just wants to be a sex toy to a man that is probably getting a ton more action on the side. If you are developing serious feeling for this guy then its your turn to be blunt and honest with him. Tell him you want more, tell him that you want a commited relationship and if that doesnt work, cross the bridge and find somebody else.

kssweetheart

Re: I need some man advice.

hi sephoramusthave - Hope you're doing well and having wonderful holidays. As for your post, awesome! I loved the picture and was thinking what a wonderful thing it would be if nixi could go to a gorgeous spot like that and think and also be real quiet inside and let the deliscious smelling air and the wonderful noise from the brook and just have everything feel real and re-adjusted and let the breeze blow all of the dark, unhealthy things away with it.

 

I loved your comment though, that works perfectly! I think we are all a good team and hope nixi does too.

nixi

Re: I need some man advice.

[ Edited ]

 @ sephoramusthave I know. It's frustrating. I think that may be part of it too. The reason that I'm falling so hard for this guy IS because of the sex. It's just turned my brain into mush.

prettyinpa

Re: I need some man advice.

Hi Nixi-

 

I'll weigh in here too- don't make a life decision during finals week, you are under enough stress already. Your education is so much more important than this guy, you don't want to ruin your future.

 

Right when finals are done, RUN! Go home or on a nice trip, whatever will make you feel better and give yourself time to get over this "relationship". I was in an abusive relationship before and this guy sounds so much like my ex, it's pitiful. I was young and fell for his lines and thought I was so mature (I wasn't). It only gets worse. I basically was just around for his convenience, to keep the house tidy and cook for him (he could just hire a maid, though she probably wouldn't have had sex with him :smileyhappy:). It was very hard to see that his brutal honesty was for his entertainment and not to actually better me. No one has the right to make you feel bad and snarky remarks are just controlling.

 

It sounds like you want more from this relationship (and you deserve far better IMHO), so since he has said that he isn't into an exclusive set up, you can just tell him that your life goals aren't in sync, and that you can be friends, but you need to move on. I hope that you don't feel too sad from all the advice, it is hard to hear that a guy isn't right for you, and I hope that the next one you meet is "The One". Hold out, I found my forever mate, a wonderful, loving husband who NEVER talks down to me or makes me feel bad, so it's doable.

 

Good luck on finals and finding the perfect guy!

kssweetheart

Re: I need some man advice.

[ Edited ]

WELCOME TO SEPHORA'S LONGEST POST EVER!! HOPE SOME OF YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH AND GIVE SOME COMMENTS - I BELIEVE WE HAVE A FRIEND IN NEED OF ADVICE - HERE GOES

 

Hi nixi - I'm so glad you decided to post this, so glad. For starters, I have no problem dating older men, I Rarely dated anyone my own age, I could count them on less than one hand, but that's just me. The biggest gap was 12 years. Everybody's different, I felt wiser than my years in many ways but also can understand sometimes feeling a little awkward on rare occasions.

 

It's down-hill from there. He is a pig. I don't care how good the sex is, especially if there is a very good possibility he's doing it with other people. I also think it may be a coincidence that it is so great for you, since I don't think he cares at all if it's good for you or not. Personally, I want somebody who wants it to be amazing for both of us, of course it's not going to be equally great each time, but there should be some effort other than the effort I feel he is putting forth -- I can't find any ladylike way of saying what I mean by that, hopefully you know what I mean.. I think it could be anyone at that moment that he wants to do his thing. Please forgive me, I do not want this to hurt you in any way, I am a very big 'benefit of the doubt' kinda gal and would not say these harsh things just because I'm a mean girl or a hater. I think half of the pleasure he derives from sex is well...........obvious (think of a shade of Nars blush & lipstick) I strongly believe the other half of his pleasure is with himself....a mixture of '**bleep** I'm good'  'oh yeah, j just got over on her again and maybe a few other little things. I also totally get the mental image of him High Fiven' himself when he's done, cause he's 'just that good'  NOT!!!!

 

The relationship with his live in 'ex' makes me want to be sick. The whole food, venting, B.J. thing makes me want to go take a Long Hot 'Karen Silkwood' kind of shower. (not talking down to you, it's just that the movie was made maybe before you were even born, with a much younger Cher, Meryl Streep & Kurt Russel. You should watch it, awesome movie. It's a true story, they're working in a factory with nuclear components and if you're found to be contaminated they Scrub the hell out of you with wire bristle brushes- that's the shower scene, happened to her twice in the movie, long story, awesome movie.) anyhow, that's how it makes me feel. Lord only knows where that disgusting and quite possibly diseased thing of his has been. It's so much easier for a woman to catch any kind of STD from a man than, I'm honestly afraid for you. Regardless of what type of birth control you're using, I'd still be afraid. Even if I was using every type of birth-control and taking every disease preventative measure - he would get nowhere near me.

 

***I don't think I'd even shake his hand without a condom on!!! (in case of a bleep...that word was a rubber-ish protective device)***

 

I understand how amazing those good feelings and good times can be, but you need to get out Immediately. I know the butterflies and the fact that he's older, making more money and the fact that he can be nice when he wants to, makes you feel. I know you want to believe there is hope and he'll change etc. I hate to say it, but he won't. There's a saying  "A Leopard dpesm't change it's spots" It's true. I try not to be cynical and do believe there are some exceptions to that rule, but he's not it.

 

The way he talked about the ex and the way he talks to you and treats you is not right, you deserve so much better!! On top of that, this is supposed to be the beautiful honeymoon phase of your relationship, if this is the honeymoon....be afraid. His comments don't just SEEM 'snarky, borderline mean, not sugar coated but honest etc"  They ARE. He is a mean, snarky, twit who likes to play games and prey on a younger and more innocent girl. There are just so many more things I could say, I know that since you haven't been in long-term relationships before makes it even harder to give this up, I know you're hoping there's potential but there isn't. The only potential is for you to get a disease and/or pregnant, and to be more broken hearted the longer this goes on.

 

I hate to say this but....can you imagine the things he's saying to his friends and anyone else who might listen or overhear the foul stuff that comes spewing from his mouth? Word travels fast so you don't know who might hear things and only hear his side of things. Don't let him degrade you or make you the but of a joke among his friends. He is rotten.

 

Try to look 10 years into the future and imagine what you would say to someone telling the exact story you've just told us. What would you say to that sweet, beautiful young girl, sister, friend or whoever. I think you'd tell her to ' RUN!!! and never look back' I also think the fact that he has been good enough to lower the age limit of girls he dates from 23 to 21, just for you. That's BS. ( I'm very sarcastic, that last line should show you. But that's an example of sarcasm being used as a tool to help someone and not a weapon to tear someone to shreds little by little - my sarcasm is fun and keeps us all laughing - for the most part - I'm no saint either. But it's nothing like what he does - it's not used to harm people_

 

Then the other issue -- God forbid you get pregnant, you will be history in no time flat. You'll be lucky if he gives you the money to 'take care of it' You don't want to be forced to terminate, give up or bring a baby into this world in that manner. He will not stand by you at all. It will not change him.

 

Forgive me for saying this, but I do wonder if you've left any other info out of your post, because thinking it and then typing it would make it that much more real, I might be wrong though. The only one he will ever love is himself, oh, and his little friend. For the record, there are other ways to entertain yourself without him, maybe you need to check that out. Some day you will find a REAL man who will treat you properly in ever room of your home and in public too, because he truly loves you. I know it might seem like it'll never happen, but I'd rather be alone than with that jerk.

 

Hmmmmm....I'm left to think what made him this way? Maybe it's just in his genes and he was born to be a pig. When he settles down it will likely be because he's getting old and girls aren't buying his routine anymore, or because he Needs to for some unforseen reason, but it will be His reason and not anyone else's.

 

*****I hope you made it through all of this and that it helped. It will hurt, but I think you know what you need to do. Dump him before he dumps you, although I don't think he will if you remain compliant. You are better than this and deserve better. Don't ever allow anyone make you feel 'less than'  It may take time, but who cares, you're only 21, you have so much ahead of you. The movie Friends With Benefits, and the like, make us hope he'll change of that the situation will. It's possible, but not with this one. It has been so hard not to use off-color language that I try to only say in my brain, that's how passionate I feel about this and how much I feel you are worth. I truly hope you'll keep us posted, I'm sure that all of us who responded are concerned and that there are tons of other girls/guys who may have read your post but weren't sure what to say, who want to know how you're doing.

 

Finally, I'll keep you in my prayers and.......yes, I will mention him in my prayers too (and every girl who ever crosses his path. I will honestly say a prayer for him though, hopefully God (or whoever/whatever you believe in) can straighten him out. Please be careful, okay. You will become a stronger young woman and will be able to walk with your head held high and not being weighed down by this guy. Hang in there, it will get better, the sooner the better. :smileyhappy:  Also found it interesting that your name is nixi, divine intervention? Cause I think that says it all - NIX him.

 

HUGE BTW - I am not a man hater by any degree. I Love men and they can be wonderful. So none of this was written in a men are all such jerks, blah-blah-blah way. My 2 sisters are in the man haters club well, one might be saying it partially as a defense, I feel very sorry for them either way. I do not happen to belong to any of those clubs. I am the founding member of the "Princesses Without A Kingdom Club'  I am by no means a man hater and limit male bashing to joking, when we're all having fun (guys included) and know I don't really feel that way. The only other time I may do something considered 'male-bashing' is in a case like this. I just wanted you all to know this post was not driven by that mentality, but by the mentality of a man lover, in most cases. Unfortunately sometimes you've gotta just kiss some frogs, or in this case - a great big Toad!,

 

 

BTW - a quick 'sorry' Again to Beautytester, I only came on to catch up with her via PM's but then this popped out at me and I was compelled to write this, All of this! Now, I'm wiped out again, I'll catch up with you soon beautytester, just in case you've read this, All of this. Thanks for understanding :smileywink:

 

HOLY C_AP!!!!!  That was long, even for me!!

beautytester

Re: I need some man advice.

@kssweetheart. Pfft, I like reading things in reverse/bottom up, so the first thing I saw after prettyinpa's post was sorry Beautytester! and I thought I had accidentally said something terribly insensitive or something, then I read the paragraph and thought "oh that's probably kssweetheart" and scrolled up and saw.

 

Forgot to mention but in liu with what prettyinpa is saying, worry about this after the final. You focus on your more important priorities and deal with him later. He does not think of you as special, the fact he is so frank with this means it's nothing personal, that's just how he is as you now know through his past relationships, it's not the girl's problem it's his and he's not planning to change any time soon. You should NEVER judge how much you love a person by sex. That's lust, that's passion, but that's not love and it won't last. If he's a nice person under all that behavior, he should keep his distance after knowing your feelings. Otherwise he doesn't care about you and just want you to serve him, that's not a relationship. He may look cool and exciting, but a relationship is dictated by how you two feel about each other, not external accomplishment/experience/age difference. Change yourself to the woman YOU want to be, and have faith that someone will see and treasure you for who you are.

lawyergirl63

Re: I need some man advice.

Run. Away. Quickly. You're setting yourself up for heartbreak. I've been there, and it was a long and painful road because men like that aren't the kind of men that will ever waste a second wondering how you feel...or caring about your happiness and well-being. I'm in a wonderful long-term relationship now with a man that loves me as much as I love him and we're going to be together always....my fiance is the polar opposite of the man you describe. Coming home to someone you love is comforting...coming home to someone who doesn't believe in love is exhausting.

beautytester

Re: I need some man advice.

[ Edited ]

It depends on what you believe in, what you are willing to compromise and what you are not willing to compromise.

 

First problem: have you approached him about it and just lay it out no sugar coat? I was in a team where I wanted and got the leadership position, there was a guy who has more leadership quality/skill than I did and also wanted the position. Whenever we have team meeting, he either doesn't pay attention, make fun of me, or is very critical/blunt/in-your-face about ideas I propose and decision I make in front of e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. It's embarassing and it hurts. I set up a one-on-one meeting with him in a casual setting and told him that I like his ideas and think his critique of my ideas are valid, but I wish he'd pay more attention and voice his opinion in a different way so we can work together to be more productive and contribute more to the team. Furthermore, his lack of attention and "jokes" really hurts and undermines my leadership. I'm a crybaby and end up crying a bit at the end. He looked genuinely surprised, said he had absolutely no idea and will change his ways. He became very supportive and worked together with me to make our team much better than I could on my own. Not to brag, but our team rocked.

 

Other problem: this depends on your principles. Know what you are willing and not willing to compromise. He's laying it all out for you instead of beating around the bushes, so the ball is in your court. Are you ok being in an open relationship or just a s* buddy? if yes, then there doesn't seem to be a problem. Are you the exclusive type and is only thinking about compromising your principles because you like him? If you are confident that you can make him be so madly in love with you that he will change his mind, go get it girl. If you definitely wants to get married and know you want exclusive relationship, let him know you like the current situation but ultimately, that is what you want. Now the ball is in his court, he can either stay with you knowing you might want that from him in the future, or if he can't deal with the prospect then put proper distance between you two. I had a crush on an awesome guy in college. However, he's traditional/anti-feminist while I'm feminist. That was an issue I was not willing to compromise and he is as firm in his view as I am in mine, so I told him I love him but also why it's not going to work. I said I do not expect a response from him, I would like to stay friends and hang out with him, but be aware of my feelings for him when appropriate. He gently but firmly kept his distance when my feelings end up showing through for the next couple of month. After that, we've been good friends since.

 

Personally, Mr.Lawyer sounds like the kinda guy I love to have vehement argument with but never ever date ever.

mrsschapiro

Re: I need some man advice.

You already know the answer but you want someone else to tell you: he's not that into you.

He also isn't worth it.

I think you also need to work on your self-esteem a little bit, because the fact that you feel self-conscious when he is making snark comments or whatever, you think that you are dumb.

He isn't "a lot" older than you. It's only 7 years of difference. He would be perfect for you if he was commited to you.

Trying to be different than whoever dated him won't get you any points.

 

Just stop seeing him.

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    • prettyinpa
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    • russianblue
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