How do I "break up" with a friend?

[#1]

If someone could hear me out and give me some advice, I would GREATLY appreciate it. A lot of you have given me great advice in the past regarding beauty/health, so I trust ya!

I met a girl in my class, we will call her Anna, last semester when I transferred to my new university. She was one of the first friends that I made, and at first, I liked her. It was nice because she was a transfer too. Then the honeymoon period ended, and her true colors and personality started to show.

Since we met in Chemistry class, we both scheduled our labs so that we could attend them together. Everything was fine, until I started to dread labs. Whatever group I was in I felt like she was rushing me, and sometimes she would sort of bully me a bit. Like, if I had all of the answers, she would copy them. But if I ever wanted to copy hers due to lack of understanding something, she would say, "Oh. Well the lab was really easy. Just figure it out yourself."

Most of the time we get along, but we're just... different, oh so different. I'm loud, unpolitically correct, and just plain say what I want. She's a bit more uptight and has "scolded" me in the past when I have said something she does not like or does not agree with. She also pouts- and visibly so- when I don't do what she wants. It has become very annoying.


The straw that broke the camel's back happened this summer, while we were looking for apartments. She desperately wanted to be roommates, and I told her if the right price range came along we could do it. She kept looking at places that were WAY out of my price range, by about $300. I told her this and she just kept whining about it. Eventually, we chose different complexes, but she still tries to make me feel guilty about it. She'll randomly text me things like, "I REALLY wanted you to be my roommate " and at one point got really angry with me that I did not have enough to live where she does.


Despite our differences she constantly wants to spend time with me! She wants me in her upcoming October wedding, wants us to spend every day together, eat lunch, etc. Yet, if I turn her down she gets pissy. I thought this summer I could phase her out, but she texts me every other day and has made that impossible.


I feel like a terrible friend, but I just don't want to hang around her anymore... Seventy-five percent of the time, I do not enjoy her company, and I think that's an important part of friendship, you know? I feel like an awful person but I have NO idea how to tell her that I think we should not hang out anymore, especially since she seems to love having me around... I know I'm an adult, and not a teenager, but I have never been in a situation like this. What is the best way to handle it maturely?

Thanks in advanced guys!

[#2]

Sometimes you ladies need to take a lesson from the men !    We have no secrets in our friendships.

If there is a problem we state it clearly and tell them that we no longer are interested in their activities.

Brutal ?

Not AT ALL :

HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY DEAR !

ANTOINE

[#3]

PS:

I am not at all against you ignoring her "texts" completely. THat may be the best way.

WANT ANOTHER WAY ?  Turn into someone she can't stand

Good Luck,

Antoine

[#4]

It will be hard to do, but first thing is you shouldn't let Anna make you feel bad. It is ok to ignore her texts, I don't answer most of my texts right away. I agree with everyone else's advice about writing down points or a note to her about how you feel, email would work in this case too. Try not to schedule anymore classes with her either and do not let her copy your answers anymore. You could always just tell her you are struggling with the answers yourself so you cannot help her. Some instructors / professors do not like answer sharing and will mark your papers down if you have the exact same answer anyway. Do not feel bad about the apartment, you are better off without her. Meet new people, join new clubs at your University, that way you can always be "busy" and it's a great way to network. Above all, do not bad mouth her to anyone, because you never know who knows her and gossip gets around! Gossiping may be fun, but no one truly likes a gossiper because they think that they cannot trust that person. Good luck with your situation and please update us! I am curious as to how you are going to handle this!

[#5]

This might sound cheesy, but my mom always encouraged me to write letters to people when you have something you need to share with them, but find it diffuclt having a one-on-one convo.  It can be handwritten or typed, but just sharing your feelings and letting her now how you're feeling might help matters.  She may not react well to the letter, but at least you know you've told her how you feel versus ditching her calls and texts and finding any...ANY...excuse in the book not to hang out with her.

You definitely shouldn't feel guilty.  Sometimes, we just don't mesh well with other people and that's okay.  She obviously has insecurities she needs to work through, and using you as a crutch isn't fair to anyone.  Stand your ground and remember, being fair to yourself and eliminating the negative people in your life is super important!  You should be around positive people who encourage you to be you, who understand you and the circumstances your in, and who don't make you feel guilty for your actions--a true friend doesn't judge.

Hope this helps and best of luck!

[#6]

This is a really difficult situation. I generally avoid confrontation, but life is too short to keep people who make you unhappy around (if they are unwilling to change). In the past, I have done things I didn't want to do out of a sense of obligation (which is sometimes appropriate), out of wanting to spare someone's feelings, or just from not wanting to rock the boat, if you will. However, it does not sound as if you are very compatible as friends  -- at least not at this point in time. I think, too, that if you were spending so much time together, maybe your patience (understandably) started to wear a bit thin, because from what you have stated, it doesn't sound as if she is a very good friend to you. Spending time apart (taking a break) might be a good move for both of you. If you really don't want to confront her about this, you can find activities of your own and beg previous commitments when she tries to make plans. Or -- and this is harder -- instead of leaving her to wonder what she has done that made you angry -- you can talk about it with her and give her the chance to fix it. She might get defensive and deny any wrongdoing, or she may realize she has been selfish / not a great friend and try to be better. I think she also deserves to know how she has acted -- even if it was unintentional -- has affected you. In the past, I wish I had stepped up and explained myself prior to letting a friendship go, but I didn't. It's definitely the more difficult thing to be honest, but it might be better for everyone involved.

[#7 · Accepted solution]

Seems like Anna has a case of not wanting to let you go regardless of how she treats you.

Don't feel bad, the moment you stop feeling guilty for things that you aren't in the wrong for, the sooner you can stand up and vocalize how you truly feel. Though she may not like what you have to say or how things may pan out, it doesn't seem healthy for either of you to remain friends.

In your instance, why would you want a friend who is constantly trying to reel you in, personality-wise? If you're outspoken and unabashed in comparison to her, and you've been that way from the get go, she should know better than to change you, and if those qualities were make or break qualities, then she shouldn't have stuck around as long if that's not the type of company she perfers to keep. A friend should embrace even the differences but also know ones own tolerance. I'm not saying she needs to be a super fan and even adopt your personality style, but she should be able to gauge on her own "Okay,  Nixi, is outgoing and not shy, I am not these things, but I see the plus side to being such, but if it starts to make me uncomfortable, maybe befriending someone out of my comfort zone that much wasn't the right thing to do."

Same thing in her instance, I'm sure it was great meeting someone different than you and learning how to see things differently, but at the same time when you start noticing that she bullies you or even tries to scold and correct your behavior, you need acknowledge that it's not a correction officer, mother, or frienemy that you want or need out of her. Any one who calls themself a "friend" to another person but constantly has to put them down or act superior doesn't want the other person as a true friend. What they really want is someone they can feel will stay beneath them so they feel high and mighty because rather than fous on whatever they need to within themselves, it's easier for them to look out and judge another person instead.

Sometimes it's not easy taking a good hard look at yourself and saying, "You know what? I'm not THAT great of a person."
 And that's what I'm feeling like she is ignoring in herself, she doesn't want to face the music, doesn't want to look in the mirror, doesn't want to face herself, so instead she's projecting it out on you and causing you to feel bad.

And in regards to the apartment thing, this is my personal tangent, but that's just really insensitive and really selfish of her and how she acted! I sympathize for you and I'm glad to hear you two did NOT end up rooming together or this could be a whole lot worse! I'm personally so sick of greedy, single-minded cookie-grubbers who want to whine and moan and refuse to see things any other way but their own! As you stated, you mentioned staying in a budget, so she knew ahead of time what you could throw in, for her to seek out places way out of your price range is ridiculous and just shows you how well her "listening" skins are! Aside from that, to have her then cry about and make you feel guilty for not rooming with her when she knew the reason why and it was by her doing, is just cruel! I wonder if she knows how ridiculous she sounds! "Oh, Nixi! I'm so upset we're not roommates! Why, why, why? Didn't you want to be my roommate? Why couldn't you? You should have!" Cry me a river for the day I buy a boat and paddle over your butt! It's like she completely missed the fact that you didn't have that money to spend! I hold no respect for people who want to act that way!

I think the best way to go about this is to just be honest and upfront, not sugar coating, no trying to spare her feelings, just blatant truth about how you feel. I'm not saying to intentionally be ugly, rude, or hurt her feelings on purpose, but keep in mind, she's a big girl too, or so we would like to think, and if she gets her feelings hurt, oh well, that's her issue, she'll have to deal with it. It's not your job to baby her and make her feel better for the way she's treated you. You get what you dish out, and unfortunately for her, she dished out an ugly attitude and immaturity, so she can't expect roses and perfection in return!

You said that she gets pissy when you can't hang out with her, but you're miserable when you do. You got to start looking out for number one, YOU! What good of a friend can you be if you're miserable? If you're not at your best, you can't project and be your best. Tell her that there's no winning in this situation, it's not going to be easy for her or you, but that you can't continue getting dragged along and willing take a beating or the put-downs and she'll just have to move on and find someone else she can befriend. Maybe this is what she needs, maybe no one has ever stood up to her and expressed how they feel, and you know what, even if it has happened before, maybe she's just the type to deny it and keep at it. And if that's the case, she'll find someone with a weaker personality who she can boss around and not talk back, but I don't feel like you're wanting to be that type.

Don't scream, don't yell, don't even use foul language. People get caught up in the mood and linger on harsh words rather than the actual point of a sit down conversation. If it helps, write out or list out points or instances where she's made you feel less than you should or has done things that were insensitive and rude and bring those up in your talk so that way she doesn't feel like you're generalizing her as a whole.

It's never fun when friends fall out of season with one another, because yes, you think back, and there were times where things were great, but times and people change, sometimes it's better and smarter to acknowledge and accept that as well as accepting that sometimes, things that were great, just aren't so great for you anymore, and it's okay to let those things go.

Best of luck!

[#8]

Everyone had great answers, but yours was really wonderful. Thank you so much! You were so on point with everything. I'm going to take a little bit of everyone's advice and get this girl out of my life! Thanks SO much <3 You are insightful and lovely!

[#9]

^_^ No probs! All the best in this situation, and no matter what, we here have your back!

[#10]

You are in a tough situation, since Anna is so insecure, she is relying on you as her (probably) only friend. I had something similar happen to me, and I "solved" it by being too busy. Every time my annoying soon to be ex-friend called me (texting didn't exist in those days), I let it go to voice mail and only returned her call a couple of days later and said I was just sooo busy. I was too busy to be in her wedding, as I had deliberately scheduled a vacation with my fiance for that date. In general, I just avoided being with her much and if she complained, I said "well, I have a life, you know". If you expand your circle of friends by meeting new people next semester you will actually be too busy to spend much time with her anyways.

It may come to a showdown, which you will have to be prepared for. Expect tears/yelling/name calling and her bad mouthing you to your friends. Explain to her that you feel that she is being way too controlling about the apartment issue and that her bossiness and controlling behavior is out of line and that you feel you need to "take a break". (Kind of like in dating where you see other people). You will have to ignore pissyness and pouting, these are just signs of immaturity and a way that she has to manipulate you.

She may see that her behavior is causing you pain and reform, but in my experience, people like her blame everyone except themselves, so she probably will stop speaking to you. Which is probably the best you can hope for. I don't think she is mature enough to change yet, but perhaps with time.

Good luck, and be brave for your own peace of mind.